My wife and I have been dealing with the death of one of our abusers this week, a member of high standing among my wife’s extended family.
We have been no-contact with our abuser and most of her enablers a little over a year.
As one would expect, the death of the narc-of-high-standing has brought the usual demands for forgiveness, reconciliation, and letting bygones be bygones.
I was told by a well meaning family member that I essentially needed to let go of the feelings I harbor toward one particular member of the family who enjoyed “teaming” with the deceased narc to psychologically torture my wife and I.
What well meaning family member doesn’t understand (and I don’t really expect him to understand) is my refusal to reconcile with the deceased narcissists “team-mate” has nothing to do with feelings, despite the strong feelings at play in my heart.
My refusal to reconcile with the dead narc’s teammate (an abuser herself) has everything to do with my personal integrity.
Some Thoughts on Personal Integrity
We live in a society of little to no integrity. By integrity, I mean firm adherence to a code of moral values based in Truth.
The code of moral values guiding most of the world is found in 1 John 2:16 - whatever satisfies the lust of one’s flesh is moral. Whatever satisfies the self-centered longings of one’s mind is moral. Whatever enhances one’s image to the rest of the world (pride of life) is moral.
In the situation I currently find myself in, whatever enhances the FAMILY IMAGE of the deceased narcissist is moral.
This is no moral code at all. Right and wrong is NOT defined by the most expedient course of action for the benefit of myself, or the benefit of the family system I look to for self-actualization (which is wrong, by the way). Pseudo, “looking out for number one” or “family first” morality inevitably leads to a “might equals right”, darwinistic dynamic.
Abuse, in other words.
Someone is going to end up on the short end of the equation, and I think you and I know who that’s going to be, don’t we? All scapegoats say “Aye!”
Why I Put Up with Abuse Most of My Life
I have spent the greater portion of my life dismissing, excusing, and in some cases downright accepting abuse at the hands of people under the pretext of “family”.
Why, you ask? I think it’s because I’ve sorely lacked understanding of the meaning and application of personal integrity.
I certainly didn’t learn the principles of personal integrity from my narcissistic family of origin. Quite the opposite actually!
My employers? Nope. Right and wrong is defined by production, production, production.
Did I learn much about personal integrity from the churches I attended? Sadly, no, especially with respect to abuse. I’ll be honest with you. The level of understanding I received from the vast majority of sermons I heard lined more with Beatle’s songs than Scripture. “All You Need is Love” seems to have been the cornerstone of any moral code expounded upon among the christian circles I frequented.
No, my journey of understanding and development in personal integrity has been a lonely one. Is this what Jesus meant when He said the path to Eternal Life is narrow, not broad?
Let’s look at some scripture applicable to integrity in relation to no contact.
Psalm 1:1
There are many legitimate reasons to go no contact with our abusers. Malignant narcissists are extremely dangerous for one. I think this in and of itself is reason enough to stay away from them.
But there is a higher reason to go no contact with the wicked.
Blessed (happy, fortunate, prosperous, and enviable) is the man who walks and lives not in the counsel of the ungodly [following their advice, their plans and purposes], nor stands [submissive and inactive] in the path where sinners walk, nor sits down [to relax and rest] where the scornful [and the mockers] gather.
ISN’T IT AMAZING THE VERY FIRST WORDS OF PSALMS ADDRESSED NO CONTACT!
The following is extracted from commentary of Psalm 1:1 from Gill’s Exposition of the Entire Bible. Note how his descriptions of people to avoid line up with the traits and characteristics of malignant narcissistic abusers.
UNGODLY - All men are by nature and practice ungodly, without God, without the true knowledge, fear and worship of God…it is a character that belongs to God’s elect as well as others, while in a state of nature [in our flesh - my words]…but here it describes not such who are wicked in heart and life in common only, but the reprobate part of mankind, profligate and abandoned sinners…for whom the law is made…the word here signifies such who are restless and continually in mischief; who are like the troubled sea, which cannot rest, ever casting up mire and dirt…they are always disquieted themselves, and are ever disquieting others, nor do they cease from being so till they are laid in their graves…such are wise and prudent in natural and civil things, AND are wise to do evil…they act deliberately in sinning…they cast about in their minds, form schemes, and contrive ways and means how to accomplish their vicious purposes.
SINNERS - All men are sinners through Adam’s disobedience, and their own actual transgressions…here it intends NOTORIOUS SINNERS, who are open, bold, and daring in iniquity…signifies such who proceed from evil to evil, choose their own ways, and delight in their abominations.
SCORNFUL - Proud and haughty persons, in opposition to the humble and lowly…such who are proud of their natural abilities, knowledge and wisdom, of their honors and riches, or of their own righteousness, and despises others…such who are desperate in wickedness, of whom there is no hope…who scoff at divine revelation…such were the Scribes and Pharisees in Christ’s time; they derided Him and His doctrines, scoffed at Him when He hung on the cross, and despised Him and His apostles, and His Gospel.
Psalm 26
Psalm 26 in its entirety is excellent, but I want to highlight verses pertaining to no contact.
Vindicate me, O Lord, for I have walked in my integrity…I do not sit with false persons, nor fellowship with pretenders…I hate the company of evildoers and will not sit with the wicked…but as for me, I will walk in my integrity.
Proverbs 11:3
The integrity of the upright shall guide them…
Walking according to my integrity means I choose to be guided by something greater than my feelings, or the feelings of others.
Walking according to my integrity means I choose to be guided by something greater than ideologies that are more traditional (Mark 7:13) than scriptural.
Sometimes walking according to my integrity means I choose to be guided by something greater than my own, personal understanding of the situation (Proverbs 3:5).
This is why I have chosen to go no contact with abusive individuals. I have chosen to be guided by the moral code expressed to me in the Word of God, and my own conscience.
My Bible, the ultimate source of my moral code, tells me oppressors (abusers) are evil, and to avoid them.
My Bible tells me haters of truth are evil, and to avoid them.
My Bible tells me the obstinately proud, impenitent man is evil, and to avoid him.
Nowhere can I find in the Bible I have in my possession to win the wicked man over to Christ. NO WHERE!
Nowhere can I find in the Bible I have in my possession an asterisk next to the people I’ve been instructed to avoid with the disclaimer, “Does Not Apply to Family Members.”
It’s Not So Much What They Did; It’s What They ARE
As you know all too well, your abuser has an army of people to project the “real” reason you no longer attend Christmas dinner with Mother Malice, Grandpa Gaslight and Aunt Denial. You’ll often hear stuff that centers around something they may have done to offend you, or your hyper sensitivity to something they said, or some type of misunderstanding between you and so and so (they really do love you, you know).
What the narc and her enablers don’t know, and truly don’t need to know, is that what they did or didn’t do to you has little to no bearing on why you refuse to play their charade.
No, you don’t play the game because you have principles, based on something (or Someone) eternal, that you have chosen to live your life by. You don’t associate with abusive people because abusive people are wicked. Period.
You are growing in understanding of what true, Godly integrity is all about.
Don’t expect the malignant narc and his minions to understand this.
I've mentioned this before in my blog that I left because God told me too but it is true. I felt spiritually contaminated around them. I was breaking God's commandments to be around people who were wicked. Remember when I wrote about my mother saying she wished Aunt Scapegoat would die, as I sat around both dark individuals, I did think in my mind, "What am I doing here?" and a "Christian should have nothing to do with these people!". I prayed before I went no contact and even asked God to show me it was the right thing to do, the next day I was in a book store and found a book with money in it and written on the money, was a verse that helped lead me to salvation. God knew of the personal meaning of this versed for me being born again. It was direct instructions. I was to walk. Spiritual integrity means not bowing down before abusers, and follow God no matter the price in this world. Godly integrity means not selling one's soul for popularity, or a 6 figure inheritance or for popularity. I told my husband I can't keep living like this paying homage to these wicked people where I literally was being sicken. God wanted me away from them. Spiritual obedience to God is keeping one's integrity. Thanks for the article.
ReplyDeleteOh I will never forget the way I felt inside hearing your story of Aunt Scapegoat, a woman who, in my estimation, forsook her integrity a long, long time ago; now look at her. What a spiritual and emotional train wreck. And yes, there is a price, a heavy price if you were raised with wolves and snakes, to follow the path of integrity. My FOO had and has money. I don't know how much money I've walked away from so far, as my grandparents on my dad's side of the family were millionaires, and I went no contact with the entire pack a few years prior to their passing. When my biological mother's (who passed away when I was a young child) parents passed away, my dad, who to the best of my knowledge never spoke to or visited for years, swooped in and conned the executor of the will into giving him the cut designated for my sister and I. And trust me, the money would've helped. We were living in a dump that was condemned after we moved out of it. But I refuse to sell my soul, I refuse to sell my integrity and I refuse to sell my love of Hashem and the Truth for blood money, or any amount of money for that matter. I'm 53 years old and I can sleep at night. Good enough for me! Thank you again for reading this Peep. And commenting. Very much appreciated!!!
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