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Thursday, May 5, 2016

Abandonment

I just had this thought roll into my head just a few moments ago thought I would share.  Hopefully it blesses you and lifts you up or in the least gives you hope for happiness and peace in the future.

We are like a kitten or puppy abandoned by their mother.  Unwanted automatically labeled as damaged or defective. 

I, like I'm sure a lot of you out there am an animal lover.  We put cat food out for the Ferrel cats that roam the woods behind our home.  We feed the ferrel cats almost as often as our own cats that live in our home with us.  The mother cat had her kittens on our deck but later moved them to another location.  If we could catch her we would have her fixed but these are very wild cats that I believe have always lived on their own in the wild.  When the kittens were big enough for solid food the mother cat brought her whole litter to our deck to share the food we put out for them.  I noticed one of the kittens had a cold and drainage in her eyes which sealed both eyes shut.  Animals in the wild, I'm sure you know this, that if one is defective they will abandon it and let "nature take its course" so to speak.  She will not try and help the one baby she is more concerned over the safety of the other babies.  It's a cold hard thing to watch.  Well I can't watch without getting involved.  Last year this same thing happened one of this cat's kittens seemed to be missing for a couple of days.  I finally saw the kitten it was smaller than the other two kittens.  I was so glad to see it and was going to try and catch it to feed it.  It was no use he was way too fast, but the next day he came back I won't go into all the details of his condition but we was in really bad shape.  I was able to catch him because he was too weak to get away.  The mother cat was there just watching and did absolutely nothing to help.  I was a bit upset with her for just basically abandoning her baby.  It just broke my heart to see how heartless this mother cat was.  I understand but it don't make it easier to take it's just cold and heartless.  I named him BO, because "Bo knows" how cold nature is.  He was near death when I carried him in but I kept him alive for 5 days feeding him with an eyedropper.  At least he didn't get devoured by some predator or something and died knowing at least someone cared.  I did make a HUGE mistake, when I thought Bo was doing a little better I allowed him to see his mother through the patio glass doors.  Thinking she would be glad to see he was doing ok and getting help, I also figured Bo would be glad to see his mommy.  The mother cat looked at him and sniffed the window walked away, Bo saw her and then seemed to give up after that.  His heart was broken he gave up after that.   I was sad for days about him, so was my husband .  I kept thinking what I could have done different to change the outcome.  So with Bo in the back of my mind I was watching the mother cat very close with her new litter to see if she was even going to clean this kitten's eyes or show one ounce of compassion on her.  This kitten would be alright if she could see where she's going and eventually get over the cold.  That wasn't too life threatening; but not being able to see she would be prey to anything that came along and was hungry.  The mother cat done nothing, as I suspected.  .  This one kitten was sitting in the sun on our deck but unable to see her mother started to cry for her.  She left the deck but left all her kittens there for a little while.  I had all that I could take I brought her in.  Cleaned up her eyes and had planned on just putting her back outside with the others; at least that's what I told myself.  When I had finished the mother cat came and left with her kittens.  Well, I guess she decided for me.  After a few weeks, we took her to the vet because the cold was in her sinus and all congested and it didn't seem to be getting any better.  This kitten would have died outside I have no doubt.  The kitten is now 4 months and is doing great, our other two cats love her and she has brought much needed joy to our home.  We named her Sammy.  Although the mother cat was not abusive and in fact she is a good mother and is only doing what is instinctual to them.  I have no contempt for this cat that is just trying to survive.  We still feed her and any cat that comes to our deck. 

The reason I am telling this long story is I see parallels here with our lives. The mother cat didn't physically abuse her kitten but she did abandon it.  Abandonment is just as harmful and in fact is a form of abuse.  As a child we need the love and acceptance of our parents it's part of the nurturing that we are supposed to get.  When we don't it's very damaging it affects the way we look at and feel about ourselves.  In the case of Sammy she basically went no contact with her family and it was the best thing for her.  She is healthy, happy and loved all her needs are taken care of.  She's not out in the heat or the cold, worry about predators or even have to worry where her next meal is coming from.  She knows if she comes over and bites my bare feet she will get fed fresh food.  Yes we spoil our pets, they don't like wet food that has been out for a few hours.  A bowl of dry is always sitting out with water.  I wish I could bring in every one of them... Don't you know God does that for us?  He takes in the abandoned, the abused the unloved and shows us true love.  No he's not the reason you were treated badly.  Everyone has a free will to do right or wrong.  You have the choice to be whoever you are nasty or nice, good or evil.  There are evil people in this world.  Trust me if God took away our free will then we would all be mindless drones just obeying Him like robots.  God wants us to love Him because we want to not because He made us do it.  God didn't make people homeless or babies born into disease or with a disease anymore than he made those born into wealth and health.  God didn't choose your parents or your status.  Like all the ferrel cats I would love to take in every one of them, not comparing myself to God just an illustration.  God would love to help each and every one of us too we just have to show up on his deck so to speak or come to Him and cry out for help.  If you read what churches call the Be Attitudes  or the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5.  This verse is about US!!  We are the poor in spirit.  I always heard this put differently and the pastor always skipped the "in spirit" part.  I always heard it like this from the pulpit, Blessed are the poor, blessed are the sick, blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth.  So basically pastors are telling us God is blessing the poor sick and hungry so don't worry about them???  That's not even close to what this verse means.  Here's my breakdown of the verse.  Read it for yourself and you decide what it means to you.  I've pasted the verse below. 
What do you think "poor is spirit is, it's us who are downtrodden, beat up emotionally from those who hurt us the most who should nurture us instead the abuse us.  Look at verse 6 hunger and thirst for righteousness.  The "for righteousness" was always left out when I heard it from the pulpit.  Hunger for righteousness.... you crave or hunger for justice, not revenge;  justice for the injustices of our lives.  There will come a time when God will handle all of the injustices in this world and take judgment upon it.  We may not see the the justice right now but know that God will take care of it in time.  Look at verse 7&8.   Blessed are the merciful,  for they will be shown mercy.  8 Blessed are the pure in heart,  for they will see God.
 This might as well say compassion, those who have compassion on others and listen to their conscience and obey it.  Verse 9 peacemakers is meaning you are not being one of those creating conflict, troublemakers those who stir up or create drama.  It don't mean you put up with abuse just to keep the peace or to appease the abusers.  That's not what it means at all.  Although I'm sure the abusers would like it to say that.  Verse 10 persecuted for righteousness, that's not referring to being churchy or looking all pious.  That means being right by your conscience.  You know the effect your actions on another person would have on another person, good or bad and you choose to do what's good and right.   You don't purposefully hurt another person.  When God comes to judge us all he will judge us on our actions if they were just or not and how we have treated others and not how holy we look to others or project to others.  God sees through all the bullshit.  Sorry but it's true he knows your actions and your intentions during the actions and judges that way, not what we say are our intentions.  To summarize this blog entry, we are better off going no contact with those who abuse us and will eventually find peace and happiness.  I won't lie and tell you there won't still be moments or thoughts of sadness thinking what could've been if only they would've changed their ways...  My advise to you is turn your head back around and look forward, turn away from the past we can't change it we can't change others you are only responsible for you and your actions.  Make sure you can live with your actions and not regret from this day forward.  Unfortunately evil will still cross your path just be wiser and don't get caught up or taken in by them.  Listen to your conscience, and that inner voice God gave it to you to protect you. Learn from your pain but don't stay in it work towards getting better.  Everyone heals at a different pace and have different hurdles to get over.  Remove yourself from anyone who tells you to"just get over it".  That's not helpful and may be harmful to your healing.  It may be an exhibit of lack of conscience too.  Anyway God Bless you all and I hope this is uplifting.


Matthew 5:1-11
Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them.

The Beatitudes

He said:
“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Commercials Exploitation of the Sick and Unfortunate

This may seem at first like it's off the subject of narcissistic abuse but stay with me and see if you agree. 

Have you noticed lately all of the, in your face graphic and morbid commercials?
For example ASPCA and the humane society. Now I love animals I wish I could rescue every single one from domestic pets to the endangered ones.  Anyone who could harm an animal is a very sick perverted person. They could easily do the same to a human.   Can anyone with empathy watch these commercial in its entirety?  Do they really think by showing us horrific images makes us want to donate to the cause?  Frankly, I'm motivated to change the channel.  Displaying wounded, malnourished and dying animals it's more than I can take. 
What about the St. Jude or the MDA commercials they are literally exploiting these children, it's disgusting. What about wounded veterans showing a man and sometimes women who have amputated body parts or showing them with PTSD.  Only a shell of what they used to be.  Some CEO may be filling his pockets but how much actually goes to the cause, it's hard to tell no one checks them out. Airtime is expensive and those type of commercials last twice and even three times as long just to pull on your heart strings. Heart strings sounds a bit like manipulation to me. Corporate narcissist seeking those with empathy for their donations.  How typical corporate sharks feeding on the little fish. I would be more inclined to donate to their cause if they left out the graphic content. Honestly what an interesting concept.  If you've fallen for these ads don't feel bad they were designed to guilt you into giving just like televangelist do.  Basically conveying that God isn't pleased with you unless you give your hard earned money to their cause and don't forget to give generously.  These commercials have left me with a nagging sense that something's not right.  They make me sick inside. 




 

Shaming by Comparison

Growing up in a home with parents that are covert narcissist the abuse takes many forms.  Shaming is a common form of narcissistic abuse whether the narcissist is overt or covert.  Shaming by comparison is just as cruel. 
Here's a couple of examples of what I'm talking about. 
Your mother uses an aunt let's call her "Mary" she used her to shame you by comparing you to her. Mary is a messy housekeeper your mother uses her constantly as an example to you. She constantly threatened you to drop you off at her home to live. She would also constantly say I'd hate to visit your house it would be like Mary's. Always comparing you to Mary. Now that you're an adult you still hear her voice in your head. When you have plans to have company come over you immediately go into panic mode and clean like a mad woman trying to make everything look spotless so that they won't think you are like Mary.  Your mother dies and you still hear those words subconsciously.  You get triggered by visitors to the point you don't want to invite anyone to your home. 
Your father has two sisters who he likes comparing you the scapegoat the golden child daughter to.  He had a bad sister who was the scapegoat which he said she lies constantly and a good sister who was the golden child. The golden child sister happened to die young in a tragic auto accident  so now she's memorialized.  You have an argument with your golden child sister while doing dishes. She picks up a knife holding it firmly and pointing it at you saying "I'll cut you!"  This isn't the first time she did this but since mom did nothing about it and brags on what a spitfire she is you don't bother telling on her. You're both still kids but you turn to her saying something you've heard on tv I'm sure. I'll forgive you but never forget. In walks your dad he over hears at least your end of the conversation. He asks what's going on you tell him. Of course he does nothing to the golden child sister and sees nothing wrong. He begins nearly an hour long lecture to you while the golden child watches. He tells how his bad sister was always jealous of the good sister more pretty nicer outgoing  etc.  He then says his bad sister has to live with the guilt of never being able to say she's sorry to the good sister for being jealous.  He then turns it in you and says you'd feel real bad if something happened to your GC sister and you weren't able to apologize. 

This is shaming 

I found this article on Toxic Shame from Darlene Lancer JD,MFT 

http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-toxic-shame/
Last paragraph sums it all up:
"If not healed, toxic shame can lead to aggression, depression, eating disorders, PTSD, and addiction. It generates low self-esteem, anxiety, irrational guilt, perfectionism, and codependency, and it limits our ability to enjoy satisfying relationships and professional success."




Sunday, February 14, 2016

The Birthright

I love the story of Jacob and Esau if you listen to most pastors they get it wrong. I recommend everyone go back and re read it for themselves.  Genesis 25. Most pastors will make it sound like Jacob was devious, dishonest a thief. The two brothers were twins.  The tradition was the older brother would receive the birthright. The birthright consisted of a blessing a type of anointing of a leadership role in the family along with possibly double the inheritance at least that's what I got.  Esau willfully sold his title to this birthright.  
If you back up to where Rachel, their mother asked God why her baby seemed to be wrestling within her.  God told her why, he told her they were twins.  God knew the nature of Jacob and Esau while in the womb.  This one is a bit perplexing if you think about it. Yes I know he's God he knows everything but remember he also gave us a free will to make choices he didn't decide that one boy would be good and the other would be bad.  He didn't create a yin and yang within Rachel. And no I don't believe that philosophy that good needs bad as bad needs good to exist. If that were true that's saying and I've heard others say God needs satan they need each other they work together.  That is so warped.  Remember it's written in Revelations that God will punish satan later.  That's the only reason satan is allowed to remain in existence  He is  all that is good so he cannot break his word and say ok that's the last straw you've gone too far this time. He will wait and take care of it later. 
God knew the nature of Esau he knew he "Esau despised his birthright."  Held it in low regard, it didn't matter too much to him.  How could anyone despise a blessing from God and look at it as if it were nothing??  God was merely giving the blessing to the son who appreciated it one who would consider it an honor. No matter how little Jacob paid for it he still had Esau's promise to give it to him for soup. If you sell someone a car for $1 and sign over the title it's still a binding contract or sale. Why is this any different?  Since when is it ok to Welch on an agreement?  Why do pastors accuse Jacob of being dishonest. I didn't read that in Genesis that's their own opinion. Was Isaac aware of the sale of the birthright?  Rachel knew... 
Well we all know the rest of the story Jacob did have to trick Isaac into giving the blessing to him. Then when Esau found out and was furious wanted to kill Jacob.  Jacob fled and went no contact he walked away from the inheritance. All he left with was the clothes on his back and the blessing he just got. He stayed away even after both parents had passed.  God blessed Jacob even though he didn't get a dime of his inheritance.  I think one reason greedy pastors (pro$perity doctrine) don't get this story right is because; they're all about money.  They think Jacob's motive was the inheritance when actually it was the BLESSING!!    Esau didn't think too much of the blessing he despised it. He got what he wanted was the money. Years later when Jacob went to see Esau he was for happy he got what he wanted and the reason he was going to kill Jacob was the money not the blessing. Today's prosperity pastors aren't looking for God's blessings they are after the inheritance or money.  To them it's who has the bigger mansions who has the bigger jet.  They have little regard for the blessing like Esau. 

Friday, February 5, 2016

Staying with Your Abuser is a Choice

Staying with an abusive person is a choice.  Leaving is another choice, a better choice. It's a more healthy choice.  I agree it won't be easy. 
We all have regrets that we didn't leave sooner, that we thought we could go back and have a normal relationship with narcissistic family members and the list goes on.. 
Don't beat yourself up for it we can't go back and change the past. Stop that kind of thinking just stop it right now!
Now we got to decide how we are we going to live out the rest of your life. Are you willing to put up with that abuser in hopes that your abusers might leave you an inheritance?  You may think it's just easier to stay. Most generally the narcissistic abuser will hold their inheritance over their victims head. Dangling it like the carrot. This money gives them a stronghold over your life if you allow it. Most of the time the narcissist will give ALL their money to the golden child or to a charity so you will not get a dime. So all the time you lost being captive to your abusive narcissist was time you could have been healing and living life in freedom. 
I use Joan Crawford as an example she disinherited her children. She was evil to the bitter end they never do have that (forgive my expression)  "come to Jesus moment". 
They aren't going to have last minute regrets other than they wished they could have abused you more. 

Monday, October 19, 2015

Narcissists Cause Us to Devalue Ourselves

Thank all of you for your comments.   I'm sorry that all of you had to go through all of this abuse my heart goes out to each of you.  Huge Hugs!!  God bless all of you.  Validation helps us cope with this kind of abuse.  Some of the abuse is physical and that's horrific and don't let anyone tell you any different.  Fortunately those wounds eventually heal but some scars stay with us possibly all our lives. I'm talking about the emotional scars and what it does to our perspective.  The perspective of our own lives how it makes us devalue ourselves because they have devalued us.  They made us feel like yesterday's garbage.  We were taught that our feelings, our needs and essentially WE don't matter.  Any thing we do out of our own kindness to them is spewed back in our faces.  I remember an instance as a child I was always trying to get acceptance from my dad.  I idolized him, yes I know that was sick but I was gaslit into thinking that the beatings I got were all justified and that I deserved them.  Not to mention that he was a pastor so I looked at him as a "man of God".  Everything he said was gospel to me.  I know stockholm big time!!  Here's an example of our kindness being thrown in our faces, literally.  I was approximately 10 years old at this time, my dad was mowing the yard.  He looked hot I went in and made some ice tea for him and brought it out to him in a tall glass.  He shut off the mower, he started to take a drink and then paused and asked if I had washed my hands before making it because I had been playing with our cats.  I said no.  He poured the entire glass of ice tea down the front of me and then ordered me to go back in and make him a new glass but this time WASH YOUR HANDS!!!  What started out to be something nice turned out to be something totally different.  He couldn't have asked nicely or just told me in a calm voice no he had to pour it on me and then yell at me.  Great man of God!!!  You find yourself thinking I can't do anything right, I'm just a failure.  No wonder we have self esteem issues after they get through with us then our minds now warped beat ourselves up as a result of all the mean things they've said play over and over in our heads.

They lay most of their groundwork while we are children.  It's easy to bully children especially if they are your own.  There's no one that we can go to for help, who's going to believe a child?  The risk you take of telling anyone what if they tell your abuser what you said?  It's much easier to remain silent they hell you'd deal with if you told anyone.  I would have never considered it anyway because I thought it was justified, I thought I was a terrible person.  I believed I deserved it.  This is life living with a covert narcissist.  On the outside everyone thought he was the salt of the earth type guy.  Everyone loved my dad, few loved my mom but mostly it was dad that they mentioned.  They hide behind religion and appear so "godly" on the outside.  I spent years believing the lie.  I'm so thankful for God and my husband who helped me see through the facade, it was all a sham. 

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Why do you HATE me!!!

Why do you HATE me!!!
How many times have you heard that from your narcissist abuser?  I’ve heard it plenty of times.  They poke you, prod you, lie to you and about you, slander you to everyone they know.  They are spewing out venom about you constantly then they come to you and exclaim why do you HATE me? 

What I’d love to say is first of all, I’ve never said that I hate you but I think you’ve sure given me enough reason to.  Then more to the point of why do YOU hate ME?  The expression “poke the bear” comes to mind.  They poke you prod you hoping for a response.  They want to make you go off on them.  It’s supply to them.  They love doing this in public, at events wherever they have an audience.  While the other abuse they’ve done to you was in private.  It’s like in grade school the girl that whispers about you to others then smiles at you and expects you to be nice to her and will make a scene and turn it around to make you look like the jerk.  It’s exactly like that.

Not all narcissist physically abuse you.  They love to play head games alienate you from everyone you know so you can be their personal play thing.  They will literally turn your friends and family against you.  Even though the so called friend knew you longer the narcissist has a way of persuading them otherwise.  They want you to feel alone, you will either go back to them to become abused or destroy yourself out of loneliness and despair.  There is a third choice they don’t want you to know about.  While you are in the loneliness stage, get to know who you are.  Be comfortable in who you are where you don’t need others around to entertain or keep you company.  Be comfortable in the truth  that they are harmful to you and if that means you never have friends again so be it.  You can survive without friends or companions. What do you do that makes you special to God?  Do you sing, do you play an instrument, draw, paint, write, create in some way, possibly caring for animals in some capacity?  Spend time doing that thing that makes you different from other people.  Maybe compassion is your specialty do something with that let your heart lead you.  Never let others lead you, be independent and strong.  Your inner strength will serve you well.  It will help you get through the tough times.  Look at yourself now yes you’ve been beat down abused, slandered and almost destroyed.  Almost is the key here, they did not get the job done.  Stand up and build your strength.  Think of it as being beat up at recess by a bully.  Yes you may LOOK like you’ve lost, a laughing stalk weak but remember they didn’t defeat you.  What does the little boy or girl do when he is beaten up and the wounds heal?  He starts learning how to fight and stays away at all costs from this bully.  That’s all these narcissist are anyway is bullies they want control over you.  You learn to protect yourself.  Now I’m not talking about the little boy or girl that goes home and comes back to school with a gun and shoots everyone they see because they were hurt.  This is what the narcissist wants you to do, they want to make you lose it.  They want to push you into that dark place where you want to kill others and yourself.  They want you to “see red”.  You are letting them control you and by doing this you have now lost to the narcissist.

You have just handed control of your life to the narcissist.  In the end YOU are going to be accountable for what you do in your life.  Let’s just speak as the law goes.  You commit a crime the narcissist emotionally drives you to do it, but YOU are the one committing the crime so You will be the one who gets punished for it.  Maybe if you’re lucky they will punish the one who pushed you to do the crime but their sentence will be light, you are the one who actually did it.  Everyone is responsible for their own well being as adults.  It’s time to take charge of your lives brush yourself off stand up, YOU matter!! I’ll say it again YOU MATTER, your life matters.  It matters to God and it should matter to you.  Learn to love yourself or at least look at yourself in the mirror and be able to live with the person on the inside.  Really the inside is the most important part of you.  All of us look at the appearance that’s all superficial.  God sees what’s inside and a true friend will see the inside.  The thing is we have abused the word “friend” and “love”.  We have confused acquaintances and co-workers for friends.   And something you really like as love.  Narcissists use the word friend and love too.  These words are tools to the narcissist.  They are handcuffs, ropes or chains.  They use your affection to their benefit.  They will abuse you verbally, emotionally, physically and spiritually and then tell you they “LOVE” you.  It’s because I LOVE YOU.  They may use the phrase “if you love me, you’ll… “  Love and friend have become words of manipulation.  Beware of those using those words, beware of those wanting to get too close to you too fast.  Narcissists aren’t really human in the normal sense, normal things like affection and friendship aren’t things that flow naturally they are only manipulation tools and they may want to escalate a friendship or romance to “cut to the chase”. 

In closing stay strong in who you are, Love yourself as a child of God see yourself as He sees you and not how the narcissist sees you.  You really do matter you’re really not just an object to entertain the narcissists of this world.  Beware there are many narcissist and they spot you before you can spot them at least the more dangerous ones do.  Guard your heart don’t jump into friendships and relationships too fast.  If they are worthy of your affection they will be patient with you.  God Bless all of you!