MY INTEGRITY LEADS ME TO GO NO CONTACT

My wife and I have been dealing with the death of one of our abusers this week, a member of high standing among my wife’s extended family. 

We have been no-contact with our abuser and most of her enablers a little over a year.

As one would expect, the death of the narc-of-high-standing has brought the usual demands for forgiveness, reconciliation, and letting bygones be bygones.

I was told by a well meaning family member that I essentially needed to let go of the feelings I harbor toward one particular member of the family who enjoyed “teaming” with the deceased narc to psychologically torture my wife and I.  

What well meaning family member doesn’t understand (and I don’t really expect him to understand) is my refusal to reconcile with the deceased narcissists “team-mate” has nothing to do with feelings, despite the strong feelings at play in my heart.

My refusal to reconcile with the dead narc’s teammate (an abuser herself) has everything to do with my personal integrity.

Some Thoughts on Personal Integrity

We live in a society of little to no integrity.  By integrity, I mean firm adherence to a code of moral values based in Truth.

The code of moral values guiding most of the world is found in 1 John 2:16 - whatever satisfies the lust of one’s flesh is moral.  Whatever satisfies the self-centered longings of one’s mind is moral.  Whatever enhances one’s image to the rest of the world (pride of life) is moral.

In the situation I currently find myself in, whatever enhances the FAMILY IMAGE of the deceased narcissist is moral.  

This is no moral code at all.  Right and wrong is NOT defined by the most expedient course of action for the benefit of myself, or the benefit of the family system I look to for self-actualization (which is wrong, by the way).  Pseudo, “looking out for number one” or “family first” morality inevitably leads to a “might equals right”, darwinistic dynamic.

Abuse, in other words. 

Someone is going to end up on the short end of the equation, and I think you and I know who that’s going to be, don’t we?  All scapegoats say “Aye!”

Why I Put Up with Abuse Most of My Life

I have spent the greater portion of my life dismissing, excusing, and in some cases downright accepting abuse at the hands of people under the pretext of “family”.

Why, you ask?  I think it’s because I’ve sorely lacked understanding of the meaning and application of personal integrity.  

I certainly didn’t learn the principles of personal integrity from my narcissistic family of origin.  Quite the opposite actually!  

My employers?  Nope.  Right and wrong is defined by production, production, production.

Did I learn much about personal integrity from the churches I attended?  Sadly, no, especially with respect to abuse.  I’ll be honest with you.  The level of understanding I received from the vast majority of sermons I heard lined more with Beatle’s songs than Scripture.  “All You Need is Love” seems to have been the cornerstone of any moral code expounded upon among the christian circles I frequented.

No, my journey of understanding and development in personal integrity has been a lonely one.  Is this what Jesus meant when He said the path to Eternal Life is narrow, not broad?

Let’s look at some scripture applicable to integrity in relation to no contact.

Psalm 1:1

There are many legitimate reasons to go no contact with our abusers.  Malignant narcissists are extremely dangerous for one.  I think this in and of itself is reason enough to stay away from them.  

But there is a higher reason to go no contact with the wicked.  

Blessed (happy, fortunate, prosperous, and enviable) is the man who walks and lives not in the counsel of the ungodly [following their advice, their plans and purposes], nor stands [submissive and inactive] in the path where sinners walk, nor sits down [to relax and rest] where the scornful [and the mockers] gather.

ISN’T IT AMAZING THE VERY FIRST WORDS OF PSALMS ADDRESSED NO CONTACT!

The following is extracted from commentary of Psalm 1:1 from Gill’s Exposition of the Entire Bible.  Note how his descriptions of people to avoid line up with the traits and characteristics of malignant narcissistic abusers. 

UNGODLY - All men are by nature and practice ungodly, without God, without the true knowledge, fear and worship of God…it is a character that belongs to God’s elect as well as others, while in a state of nature [in our flesh - my words]…but here it describes not such who are wicked in heart and life in common only, but the reprobate part of mankind, profligate and abandoned sinners…for whom the law is made…the word here signifies such who are restless and continually in mischief; who are like the troubled sea, which cannot rest, ever casting up mire and dirt…they are always disquieted themselves, and are ever disquieting others, nor do they cease from being so till they are laid in their graves…such are wise and prudent in natural and civil things, AND are wise to do evil…they act deliberately in sinning…they cast about in their minds, form schemes, and contrive ways and means how to accomplish their vicious purposes.

SINNERS - All men are sinners through Adam’s disobedience, and their own actual transgressions…here it intends NOTORIOUS SINNERS, who are open, bold, and daring in iniquity…signifies such who proceed from evil to evil, choose their own ways, and delight in their abominations.

SCORNFUL - Proud and haughty persons, in opposition to the humble and lowly…such who are proud of their natural abilities, knowledge and wisdom, of their honors and riches, or of their own righteousness, and despises others…such who are desperate in wickedness, of whom there is no hope…who scoff at divine revelation…such were the Scribes and Pharisees in Christ’s time; they derided Him and His doctrines, scoffed at Him when He hung on the cross, and despised Him and His apostles, and His Gospel.

Psalm 26

Psalm 26 in its entirety is excellent, but I want to highlight verses pertaining to no contact.

Vindicate me, O Lord, for I have walked in my integrity…I do not sit with false persons, nor fellowship with pretenders…I hate the company of evildoers and will not sit with the wicked…but as for me, I will walk in my integrity.

Proverbs 11:3

The integrity of the upright shall guide them…

Walking according to my integrity means I choose to be guided by something greater than my feelings, or the feelings of others. 

Walking according to my integrity means I choose to be guided by something greater than ideologies that are more traditional (Mark 7:13) than scriptural.    

Sometimes walking according to my integrity means I choose to be guided by something greater than my own, personal understanding of the situation (Proverbs 3:5).

This is why I have chosen to go no contact with abusive individuals.  I have chosen to be guided by the moral code expressed to me in the Word of God, and my own conscience.

My Bible, the ultimate source of my moral code, tells me oppressors (abusers) are evil, and to avoid them.

My Bible tells me haters of truth are evil, and to avoid them.

My Bible tells me the obstinately proud, impenitent man is evil, and to avoid him.

Nowhere can I find in the Bible I have in my possession to win the wicked man over to Christ.  NO WHERE!

Nowhere can I find in the Bible I have in my possession an asterisk next to the people I’ve been instructed to avoid with the disclaimer, “Does Not Apply to Family Members.”

It’s Not So Much What They Did; It’s What They ARE

As you know all too well, your abuser has an army of people to project the “real” reason you no longer attend Christmas dinner with Mother Malice, Grandpa Gaslight and Aunt Denial.  You’ll often hear stuff that centers around something they may have done to offend you, or your hyper sensitivity to something they said, or some type of misunderstanding between you and so and so (they really do love you, you know).   

What the narc and her enablers don’t know, and truly don’t need to know, is that what they did or didn’t do to you has little to no bearing on why you refuse to play their charade. 

No, you don’t play the game because you have principles, based on something (or Someone) eternal, that you have chosen to live your life by.  You don’t associate with abusive people because abusive people are wicked.  Period. 

You are growing in understanding of what true, Godly integrity is all about.  

Don’t expect the malignant narc and his minions to understand this.  

When the Narcissist Dies do you get closure?

My Narc mother recently died so I can tell you first hand. No, especially if you don't get to say your peace. When I arrived at the hospital, she had been sedated to prevent further injury she had an aneurysm. Even though I was no contact for almost two years I felt I had to go. I felt no relief, only empty sadness. A friend helped me clarify what my feelings sadness that she died never repenting for the things she has done not so much to me but to God.  I expected that when this day came; although I expected it to be much later, that I would feel relieved. I am not relieved only sadness for my dad whom she left behind after 52 years of marriage. My dad trying to keep things more upbeat, asked all of us to go around the room and tell a happy moment with her. I couldn't think of one!!  I'm sure there must have been a few but I couldn't think of any. The woman who I felt hated me with every fiber of her being has died she can't humiliate me or covertly attack my character anymore. Yet I still don't take any pleasure in it.  I keep repressing guilt that tries to creep in, fearing that somehow I caused it. I almost even feel bad for writing this post right now but I fear that I might slip back into being gaslit again or as I call it drinking the koolaide. This is as much for you as it is for me, to remind myself what we are dealing with. My conclusion is ABSOLUTELY NOT, there is no closure when a Narc dies you are left with all the pain to deal with and to talk bad of the dead is taboo. 

Freedom!

I feel like a Narc magnet. Not only is my complete family narcissist but at work. They can see you coming you a mile away, victims of abuse, empathetic humans. We are like a wounded seal swimming in shark infested waters.  They might start out with a sad story to test your empathy.  They may also shower you with compliments, telling you what a great job you are doing. No one has ever done your job as well as you. They will praise you, your skills and work ethic to your face but triangulate using another person to point out all your flaws. They don't get their hands dirty. The focus and anger is on that other person who seems to be pointing out flaws. This way you will cone to them looking for support but all you are doing is giving them narcissistic supply. They are feeding on your pain and anger because they orchestrated the whole thing. They will just sit back and watch the show. Narcissist love drama, if there is none they will create it. .  Not only will the narcissist pit you against that person; but he will also pit that same person against you, triangulation.  When you FINALLY realize what's going on things are real strained and tense with that other person.  You have to work harder to gain trust and credibility rebuild bridges that were torn down before they were built. This is the time you stop feeding supply to the narcissist. He then turns on you because you are no longer useful. Just like the family narcissist you may experience Narc rage. You also come to the realization that you don't have to take this from him and you leave the job and ah the sigh of relief when you have your FREEDOM!!!  Now to prepare yourself for the next chapter of your life. Now how do we make sure we are not shark bait or Narc bait?  It will take a lot of prayer, beware of those telling you a sad story that pulls on your heart strings. I'm not suggesting become cold hearted but be Leary it may be a snare for your soul. Be wary of those who compliment you profusely. Consider both of these as red flags. Also do not open up about your personal life. Keep your pain, sorrow, likes and dislikes to yourself. Maintain confidence, self conscienceness can be taken as weakness. Remember they will spot you way before you spot them!  I only know this because I have made all of these mistakes and I am hoping to learn from them.  

A Holiday Message

I’ve gotta tell you the truth.  I’m awe-struck and amazed by the effectiveness of corporate controlled propaganda when it comes to gas-lighting the masses with respect to the holidays. 

I’m not going to inundate you with facts and figures concerning the origins of turkey day and Christmas.  The information is out there for all to read.  Suffice it to say, the “holiday season” in its current form is the offshoot of strategies successfully hatched by Wall Street and Madison Avenue nearly two hundred years ago. 

But corporate media does not shine a candle to the skill our narc abusers exercise in using the pretext of the holidays to guilt, gaslight and in some cases, publicly shame us.  Wall Street could only blush at the copious level of craft the malignant narcissistic matriarch (or patriarch in some cases) employs to manipulate the souls of her playthings during the annual Thanksgiving and Christmas love feasts.

Turkey day and Christmas seem to be custom tailored for the malignant narc mother.  We know this all too well.  This time of year is utter torture for most of us; at least for me.  The glittery advertisements with their family oriented themes, together with countless movies about family reconciliation certainly don’t help!  Yep, it’s hammer time!  (I really do need to watch less TV).

So if you can see your way clear through the ideologies of the propaganda machine coming at you from your television, newspaper, church (more than likely), and your abuser’s flying monkeys, I’d like to share this verse with you.

But now I write to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of [Christian] brother if he is known to be guilty of immorality or greed, or is an idolater [whose soul is devoted to any object that usurps the place of God], or is a person with a foul tongue [railing, abusing, reviling, slandering], or is a drunkard or a swindler or a robber.  [No] you must not so much as eat with such a person.

1 Corinthians 5:11 (AMP)

I know these words may be upsetting to some.  But for me, a guy that decided through much thought and prayer to go no contact with my covert abusive matriarch and her “family, this verse gives me comfort.  The Holy Spirit apparently does not want me to sit down and eat Christmas ham with the railing, abusing, reviling and slandering, idolatrous narc with her minions this year.  No, forget the word “apparently”.  He COMMANDED me not to eat with them.

Amen, Lord.  Amen.

Pastor Narc Don’t Want You Happy!

Here’s a little story about ambient abuse that involves a narc I know, the “pastor” of a small church my wife and I served under for four years.

Wife and I would meet with Pastor Narc prior to each and every Sunday service to visit and discuss the morning’s service.  Pastor Narc would always, every Sunday, without fail, turn the topic of our pre-service meetings to the sick, dying and broke people he knew (mostly relatives), under the auspices of his deep love and concern for these folk.  Pastor Narc would write the names of the sick and dying on a piece of paper for our prayer segment of the church service. 

Pastor N would go into minute and lengthy detail regarding each of these distressed individuals (don’t ask me where or how he obtained this information).

Sounds pious, doesn’t it?

Sounds like a man of God who truly has a heart for the broken among us, right?

I sure thought it did.

Funny thing is I would walk away from these discussions experiencing a deep seated sense of guilt (if not outright depression).  Not compassion.  Guilt.

I would shrug off those intuitions (the fruit of my spirit) and stay in my religious head.  There ARE a lot of hurting people out there alright!  It’s good that we acknowledge that.  It’s good that we pray for them. 

After about two years of this routine, I began to wonder why the fascination Pastor N had with sick, death and pain.  Whenever wife and I broached a topic that involved one of our successes, or a topic about something good happening to us, we would be politely, nicely, but most definitely dismissed (“oh, that’s nice!....now, back to the real issues”) and return to the usual Sunday morning discourse.  My intuition would communicate that something was wrong with this picture, but my religious mind overrode my intuition.  Maybe Pastor N has his priorities straight, and this is something wife and I need to work on.  Then that guilt would creep in, as always.

To make a long story short, we left this church after we had our fill of some egregious spiritual and emotional abuse.  As I pondered what the hell happened during our tenure working for Pastor N, I always wondered what motivated this man to focus so intensely on the sick, dying and miserable.  I concluded he simply had a fascination with death and left it at that.

Let me stop here and tell you that there is a reason why going no contact with crazy, evil people is such a blessing.  Truth begins to dawn on our hearts and minds.  The fog of the narcissistic abuser begins to evaporate before our eyes.

Being away from this situation for well over a year, and after much prayer and study on the matter, it occurred to me what Pastor N was ACTUALLY doing during our pre-service visits.

Pastor N was NOT genuinely concerned for these people, but you could have fooled me.

Pastor N did NOT have a morbid fascination with death and pain, but once again, you could have fooled me.

The truth of the matter is this:  Pastor N was covertly communicating to my wife and I a primal yet extremely powerful message -YOU DO NOT HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HAPPY.

You know, the “how dare you refuse to eat your peas when you know there are children starving in China” kind of deal.

Or the, “How can you be happy when you know your second cousin Mildred is in the hospital with pneumonia?” dynamic.

Let me emphasize once more - this occurred every single Sunday, without fail, for years. 

There were other tactics employed by Pastor N to communicate the opinion that our happiness violated his sensibilities that were far less subtle.  I chose to illustrate this tactic BECAUSE of its subtlety.

Pastor N was a master, like all narcissists, at devaluing us without us even recognizing it.  An outsider would have been impressed with the compassion of this man.

We are talking about classic covert, ambient abuse.

A word on happiness - happiness is defined as thus:  Enjoying, displaying, or characterized by pleasure, joy or cheerfulness.

If you are the victim of a malignant narcissist, particularly a narc operating under the cover of “parent”, “spouse” or “pastor”, I don’t have to tell you that ANY real pleasure, joy or cheerfulness you possess is anathema to this person.  I dare say the vast majority of you who were raised by these animals learned this false reality at an extremely young age.  Many of you may still labor under the false belief that somehow or other, you don’t deserve to be happy.

I’d like to share with you the preamble of our country’s Declaration of Independence.  I believe it was inspired by God.

We hold these truths to be sacred & undeniable; that all men are created equal & independent, that from that equal creation they derive rights inherent & inalienable, among which are the preservation of life, & liberty, & the pursuit of happiness; ...

Your personal happiness is a sacred and undeniable right.  Granted by the Creator – not your parents, not your spouse, not your pastor, not your children, and not the government – the Creator (He trumps your mother by the way).

God Bless you.

Guilt

We have been conditioned to feel guilt by your narcissistic abuser. It's funny how we worry about the feelings of our Narc abusers but they have absolutely no regard for our feelings. This might be one of the hardest things I've had to accept is the fact that THEY DON'T CARE FOR YOU, your feelings or anything about you. It's the same concept as a cat and a mouse. We are just entertainment a toy, a plaything. The cat will allow the mouse to live for days. He will allow the mouse to escape only to hunt down, chase and capture him again. Why should we feel SO guilty for going no contact with this type of creature?  The narcissist isn't really hurt, they're like a overly spoiled four year old throwing themselves having a temper tantrum. On the floor kicking and screaming because someone else has their toy. You see this display and think that it's care and have compassion and feel guilty for causing them such pain. Don't blame yourself we all need to take care of our own soul. 

Did you know that you are not responsible for any other adult. You're not responsible for their happiness their sadness, or their salvation. That's right if you are a Christian and you're struggling with the guilt that your narcissistic abusers will not make it into heaven because you didn't lead them to Christ, don't beat yourself up. I know a lot of churches breed that kind of guilt, but their agenda may not be so pure either, more members means more dollars. God, our Heavenly Father, will not hold you accountable for family not getting saved. It's all up to the individual you can't change the heart of another person. You can pray for them but you, yourself can do nothing. Salvation begins in the heart of the individual a repentant heart, but they have hardened their heart to such things they don't repent for what they did to you or your pain. They feel entitlement, you can't have entitlement and repentance in the same heart. Everyone will be responsible for our own sins and not the sins of others. A person abused as a child, that does not entitle him to abuse his own children and does not excuse him. I find that even more disgusting he (or she) knows what pain he felt being abused, so he inflicts that pain onto someone else. That makes them even more sick than their abusers!!  Now in reverse should you feel sorry for someone who abuses you?  I know society thinks you should feel sorry for the monster that rapes, beats and emotionally abuses his own child because it was done to him as a child. This society has a victim mentality everyone us a victim that's why they did the things they've done. I'm sorry there is absolutely no excuse for intentionally harming another person, child or animal. The only exception is in self defense of course. That's always the question when someone has been charged with a horrific crime, how did they grow up, their parents did they abuse them?  Does it really justify abusing others because you've been abused?  You would think they would be more sensitive about harming others this is where the hardening of the heart cones in. No repentance no salvation. Jesus came to save the sinner a person who repents, not the person who feels they've done no wrong and entitled to abuse.