We all have regrets that we didn't leave sooner, that we thought we could go back and have a normal relationship with narcissistic family members and the list goes on..
Don't beat yourself up for it we can't go back and change the past. Stop that kind of thinking just stop it right now!
Now we got to decide how we are we going to live out the rest of your life. Are you willing to put up with that abuser in hopes that your abusers might leave you an inheritance? You may think it's just easier to stay. Most generally the narcissistic abuser will hold their inheritance over their victims head. Dangling it like the carrot. This money gives them a stronghold over your life if you allow it. Most of the time the narcissist will give ALL their money to the golden child or to a charity so you will not get a dime. So all the time you lost being captive to your abusive narcissist was time you could have been healing and living life in freedom.
I use Joan Crawford as an example she disinherited her children. She was evil to the bitter end they never do have that (forgive my expression) "come to Jesus moment".
They aren't going to have last minute regrets other than they wished they could have abused you more.
I know for some that inheritance is so needed, for they went through a lifetime of abuse. First by the parents, then as as a targeted source of supply, and just with it made life hard, and need money. I feel so bad when I talk about this, although I know it is completely necessary to go NC.
ReplyDeleteI thought I could do it too, thinking of that inheritance. Mother was mean, and she had me buy everything with the little money I had, when she came for visits, while she had jars of money and money in the bank, tons of money. It never did occur to me that this was wrong. But I thought if I could just show her some love, some would come back to me. A friend one time sent me a fruit basket for Christmas and mother said it came from the food bank. As such she dug right in, and said her taxes paid for this. She also told everyone who would listen.
Her funeral is early next week and I'm not going.
We all have this mindset in abusive relationships, no matter if they are marital or whatever, we still want that love. I know now that that love won't come from them, its like you said, the dangling carrot I just can't reach.
Yes it is the dangling carrot we never will reach. I think that is a good metaphor too for it. I think many stay in VLC hoping for the inheritances. On one support board, I mentioned VLC is a danger zone, they will have a place to poison your life no matter how many fences you build if they are still in your life, they are poisoning it. I still remember my present drop off of 2012, her dumping the presents on the floor and walking out and sneering as she walked in. Like I was chattel to be bought and sold by her false presents given in hate. This at least served to wake me up and to get out.
DeleteI tell people directly now. Don't sell your souls to narcs. For me it was a spiritual thing as much as anything else. Satan loves to use money.
DeleteI agree with you and your decision. Dealing with a narcissist is extremely painful.
DeleteI am sad a lot that I did not leave sooner too. I waited until I was so old. VLC just wasn't enough. They were given a place to mock me and put me down. For me it was needing help with some things and the promise of not having to scrabble in poverty. I also wanted love and real relationships and kept thinking if I reached a certain weight or level of socioeconomic success they would love me. Isn't that sad? Like when my husband was an assistant newspaper editor, I thought well if he moves up the ranks and we become middle class, then I thought I would be deemed more acceptable. I never had been accepted and this of course massively diminished when we went back into poverty but it was never there.
ReplyDeleteI hung in there for far too long because of the
financial elements. I didn't want to sell my soul at the very end and cut away. My grooming in very severe poverty in my 20s when I was abandoned also played a role in the fear for hanging in there so long but finally today I am thinking others could have helped me then and refused.
A lot of the inheritances the SGs hold out for and they are cut out anyway. I was warned I was cut out by two relatives. In my case, she is a shopaholic and unless she has a magic broker of some sort, her money has to be disappearing as she ages. Insurance windfalls from 20 years ago have got to be chipped away at though she has her two houses.
So I knew I had to walk in my case, and even my own brother told me on the phone I was nuts to "give up the money" by walking away.
They do disinherit people. I was warned my brother was disinherited too. He didn't believe me. I wonder if my mother knows, or even cares she is not that well liked and they would all avoid her like the plague even the legions of flying monkeys and enablers if not for her money. If she ages long enough or the stock market crashes, she could get a taste of life like I have had. She really deserves nothing less, but even then, a normal person of a conscience would feel disgusted to only have fake relationships where money is an issue. One thing poverty is a screener, those who love you while poor are your REAL FRIENDS.
Joan Crawford was one awful witch. Yes she was evil to the end. I posted a video of her on my blog and wanted to throw up and felt the spiritual darkness. No, none of them ever repent.
I am glad I finally got myself out of the net. By the way she tried to buy me off to the very last day, and offered me a car, the very day I went NC. She knows I fear the bus, and well, she wanted to buy me off. I refused and looked to God to give me strength. She used my time in severe poverty as a grooming and manipulator.
I am glad no one owns me now and we have struggled during these last years. Well I still have my apt and the old car is still running. I prayed to God to keep it running. I have no regrets for my NC. The only regret I have is I ended the first no contact and the second no contact came so late in my life into my 40s.
You stood up for a higher principle and you can't be bought. So many people compromise their principles to make others happy.
DeleteSo many people worship the idol called "family" no matter the cost. Even if their own dignity is at stake.
I congratulate anyone who's gone no contact with their abusers especially if it cost you dearly. Your well being is worth more than all the money you might be promised. Thank you for your comments I believe you articulated much better what I was trying to. Thank you.
Thanks Ms. Smakintosh. When I went NC, she offered the car within 24 hours. No I am not kidding at the timing. The Mini-Me sent a letter too. What message is that but "I can buy you?" It made me want to vomit. My well being was worth far more and spiritual integrity. It was beyond the pale. Yes this world will tell people to worship the idol of family. I saw an ad for that church I left "family-friendly" was on it, they may as well have written on it, no single and/or childless wanted. When I had discussions with my husband in 2013 about going NC before I did so in June, I was very ill at the time and told him, "I want some dignity before I die"
DeleteThanks so much too. :)