Here's a couple of examples of what I'm talking about.
Your mother uses an aunt let's call her "Mary" she used her to shame you by comparing you to her. Mary is a messy housekeeper your mother uses her constantly as an example to you. She constantly threatened you to drop you off at her home to live. She would also constantly say I'd hate to visit your house it would be like Mary's. Always comparing you to Mary. Now that you're an adult you still hear her voice in your head. When you have plans to have company come over you immediately go into panic mode and clean like a mad woman trying to make everything look spotless so that they won't think you are like Mary. Your mother dies and you still hear those words subconsciously. You get triggered by visitors to the point you don't want to invite anyone to your home.
Your father has two sisters who he likes comparing you the scapegoat the golden child daughter to. He had a bad sister who was the scapegoat which he said she lies constantly and a good sister who was the golden child. The golden child sister happened to die young in a tragic auto accident so now she's memorialized. You have an argument with your golden child sister while doing dishes. She picks up a knife holding it firmly and pointing it at you saying "I'll cut you!" This isn't the first time she did this but since mom did nothing about it and brags on what a spitfire she is you don't bother telling on her. You're both still kids but you turn to her saying something you've heard on tv I'm sure. I'll forgive you but never forget. In walks your dad he over hears at least your end of the conversation. He asks what's going on you tell him. Of course he does nothing to the golden child sister and sees nothing wrong. He begins nearly an hour long lecture to you while the golden child watches. He tells how his bad sister was always jealous of the good sister more pretty nicer outgoing etc. He then says his bad sister has to live with the guilt of never being able to say she's sorry to the good sister for being jealous. He then turns it in you and says you'd feel real bad if something happened to your GC sister and you weren't able to apologize.
This is shaming
I found this article on Toxic Shame from Darlene Lancer JD,MFT
http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-toxic-shame/
Last paragraph sums it all up:
"If not healed, toxic shame can lead to aggression, depression, eating disorders, PTSD, and addiction. It generates low self-esteem, anxiety, irrational guilt, perfectionism, and codependency, and it limits our ability to enjoy satisfying relationships and professional success."
Oh they constantly shame us don't they. Nothing is ever good enough. Today I wrote about getting rid of tons of "friends" and I noticed many of these toxic relationships were shame based and they just put me down. Even the woman that came over and put me down for bad cleaning was just an extension of my mother. She never offered real or actual practical HELP either.
ReplyDeleteJust like your mother went on about Mary, I heard about Aunt Scapegoat and Aunt Confused and other bad housekeepers and messy people and a constant litany of "slobs" she complained about.
I know I have the voice inside that says, "you are too poor, your apartment is gross, etc" All thanks to Queen Spider! So I relate.
I even had one woman who wanted to come visit and shame told me, "I can't let her know how poor we are and how messy our apartment is." If she is a real person and nice, these things should not matter.
My family did constant comparisons. This one woman who was the daughter of family friends and neighbors--my mother even still has contact with years later became a wealthy accountant and during my early years as an art teacher, my father would shame me, "Why couldn't you become her, and make real money instead of being a loser?"
then he would say I was unmarried because I was too poor and fat.
Us siblings were constantly compared too. Your brother has a nicer house, your sister has her lovely family and nice home, and the rest. Sometimes our treatment actually went by how well we were doing, there was still abuse but it dipped down whenever I was more "successful"--my time as an art teacher and when my husband was a assistant newspaper editor. She openly abused any relative and put them down for not having money. Everything was a constant comparison game.
Wow at the GC pointing a knife at you. Reminds me of my sociopathic sister, stabbing a giant grilling fork into the wall while running at my brother. My brother told me years later, and they kept this secret from me, that they took my sister to a psychologist, and the psychologist told them she didn't have normal emotions--aka sociopath. [that guy betrayed me not looking further into the family] Of course they didn't stick around too long.
Yes just like my GC, every parent took her side. I am sorry you were guilted. I was too and told to take care of my "sick" sister even as my own health became worse then hers. She was no longer sick and hadn't been in years.
They use shame to control and abuse people. Even the main weapon of the Mrs. Fix Its I dealt with was shame Odd how these people who are shameless use shame so effectively to abuse others.
I've noticed that when they are sick that's when they want us near because the others (vultures) aren't capable of helping the sick.
DeleteA lot of scapegoats are turned into family care-takers, I suppose it is the few that don't get too sick themselves. The vultures know their other favorite vultures aren't going to care.
DeleteDear Smakintosh's and Friends, the shame-gaming i experienced was just under-the-radar - few scenes, just alot of coldness and quiet tv-celeb worship. Everything was about money and putting on appearances. There was no money, but there were enough reminders coming in the mail and phone-calls during supper. In short narcissistic-lite. But heavy enough! i don't want to cop an unforgiving attitude, but i have no desire to visit either. Been no contact for three years, but i don't think they even notice. Doesn't break my heart. There's just too much water under the bridge, and while i hope their world is kind to them, i want no parts of their world because it's too cold.
ReplyDeleteI agree going no contact is the only way to regain our sanity, heal and take back our own lives. Mine have attempted to Hoover me back when their image was in jeopardy. It's all about image.
DeleteYes its all about image. Even those fake cards I got was the "image" of a mother. No contact is our only choice. I hope they forget I even exist and I hope for likewise. As more time passes by, I am sure they will recede into the fog even more so. Sorry you got hoovered Ms. Smakintosh, I think mine have finally give up. I finally got to discard time.
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