Thank all of you for your comments. I'm sorry that all of you had to go through all of this abuse my heart goes out to each of you. Huge Hugs!! God bless all of you. Validation helps us cope with this kind of abuse. Some of the abuse is physical and that's horrific and don't let anyone tell you any different. Fortunately those wounds eventually heal but some scars stay with us possibly all our lives. I'm talking about the emotional scars and what it does to our perspective. The perspective of our own lives how it makes us devalue ourselves because they have devalued us. They made us feel like yesterday's garbage. We were taught that our feelings, our needs and essentially WE don't matter. Any thing we do out of our own kindness to them is spewed back in our faces. I remember an instance as a child I was always trying to get acceptance from my dad. I idolized him, yes I know that was sick but I was gaslit into thinking that the beatings I got were all justified and that I deserved them. Not to mention that he was a pastor so I looked at him as a "man of God". Everything he said was gospel to me. I know stockholm big time!! Here's an example of our kindness being thrown in our faces, literally. I was approximately 10 years old at this time, my dad was mowing the yard. He looked hot I went in and made some ice tea for him and brought it out to him in a tall glass. He shut off the mower, he started to take a drink and then paused and asked if I had washed my hands before making it because I had been playing with our cats. I said no. He poured the entire glass of ice tea down the front of me and then ordered me to go back in and make him a new glass but this time WASH YOUR HANDS!!! What started out to be something nice turned out to be something totally different. He couldn't have asked nicely or just told me in a calm voice no he had to pour it on me and then yell at me. Great man of God!!! You find yourself thinking I can't do anything right, I'm just a failure. No wonder we have self esteem issues after they get through with us then our minds now warped beat ourselves up as a result of all the mean things they've said play over and over in our heads.
They lay most of their groundwork while we are children. It's easy to bully children especially if they are your own. There's no one that we can go to for help, who's going to believe a child? The risk you take of telling anyone what if they tell your abuser what you said? It's much easier to remain silent they hell you'd deal with if you told anyone. I would have never considered it anyway because I thought it was justified, I thought I was a terrible person. I believed I deserved it. This is life living with a covert narcissist. On the outside everyone thought he was the salt of the earth type guy. Everyone loved my dad, few loved my mom but mostly it was dad that they mentioned. They hide behind religion and appear so "godly" on the outside. I spent years believing the lie. I'm so thankful for God and my husband who helped me see through the facade, it was all a sham.
Yes they make us devalue ourselves. My NC is impacting all of life. I feel like I am cutting people off right and left. I have so many abusers I have walked from. Right now I wonder who will be left--except husband and a few close people and fellow ACON friends online but its like a stripping away.
ReplyDeleteYes even being nice will get you abused. This happened to me. Aunt Scapegoat trashing my painting out of a box I lovingly packed for her and then complaining about the books I sent. 20 dollars for a large box for me to mail did not come easy. Your father didn't care about cat germs, he would have found anything to spit out the iced tea. Being nice is getting "over" on a narc who always wants to be in control. The coverts will fool you too. They have a smile on their face everyone loves them. I realized Aunt Denial is a mega-narc, with horror, she's just more subtle about it. Fake smile and more. She always got along with my mother without a problem. She was sitting at the table when my mother said my grandmother was taking too long to die.
http://fivehundredpoundpeeps.blogspot.com/2014/04/my-brother-grievous-godmother-aunt.html
I idolized some of the coverts too. Even with this aunt, I wanted to be her friend. I feel sick thinking about this now, how I begged for her crumbs too and she was always "too busy". Religious narcs are the worse. This one played Christian--only non-Catholic in the family and acted "holy". Its true most likely no one would believe you or me, they see the mask and it's everything to them.
I trusted everything mother said and did. I believed she was justified, I believe I deserved what I got. I was a spoiled little brat destined to screw up everything, so she took the reigns of me and made me believe I was crappy, so she took over, and I was tormented and abused. You got a pimple? You are afraid of being made fun of? Go to school, the torment is better there than at home, for she would torment and tease worse than any high school bully.
ReplyDeleteOh and mother was a drunk, slept with many men. Even her friends husbands were fair game. Then she would flaunt her sexual prowess. But she was to be believed and trusted and loved.
My aunt told me it wasn't mothers fault, for she herself was abused. Ok.
Your aunt was an apologist. She's not much better than your mom she knew the abuse was going on and didn't help you. I know this is how they operate though. I'm sorry for all you've been through.
ReplyDeleteThank you JESUS!!!!!!!!! I've listened to about 4-5 of your videos just today! I want to talk to you!!!!!! This helps so much!!!! I think I'm going crazy!!!!! Oh my goodness. I'm so thankful for your videos!!!! How can I speak with you! You're such a blessing! I just want out, with me and my 2 kids!
ReplyDeletePlease. I'm in tears! This last video I just watched is EXACTLY what I'm going thru (Narcissists Destroy Who They Cannot Control). He even has our couples counselor convinced. The moment I watched your video, I want to show it to her. She won't believe me tho. He's the almighty convincer. He's a master manipulator. She already told me she doesn't see "social something or other" in him. Cuz I told her he's a narcissist and a sociopath. Please help. I don't know what else to do. I'm going to show her this. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for what you're going through.
ReplyDeleteYou can email me: mssmakintosh@gmail.com
This is already Dec. 2015 since it is the holidays of course, things have increased in punishment and abuse The NARC is master of destroying special occasions, birthdays, holidays, you name it. You think "this was the worst they have ever been" until the next time, and somehow they find some evil creativity in their mastery to plot a nastier means of ripping your soul out, or hurting everyone you care about even crushing the spirit of children. Monster, that is all I can call them...a Monster is a suit of human flesh. It is truly an epidemic and "spiritual warfare". They contaminate everything they touch. They are never wrong, never at fault. You can not "gift them nor can you [dare ] Not, gift them. There is no right answer, no way to communicate, ever or lasting,, turn around and the answer will change. A plan will be cancelled. They will hurt you to the depth of your stomach yet comfort a stranger into thinking what a great person they are.. How lucky [you]are to have them. Other would call you a liar if you told them the truth of how cold and abusive they really are to you, to your children to the secret world of insanity you live in with them.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I wake up and go to sleep putting on my armor to do battle, savoring the rare hours of quiet and peace.
When I know I am in "battle-fatigue I will do something like pick up a Pear in the grocery store and hold it in both hands like a golden challis and close your eyes while taking in its sweet aroma as if it were the last pear on earth, or smell Lilacs in spring and weep at its purple hue wishing my mom was still alive to talk to even if she was often times just as cattie or rude it is better then having no one to speak with anymore. My lovely dining room table that never sees company anymore because I just can't handle all the work of "doing it yourself" and faking how happy and organized I can be in times of personal intense pain and suffering- Oh Glory Be the Warrior !!Whose punishments heaped on, sleeping and eating alone, days and weekends merging together sometimes forgetting what day of the week it is all from the predictably unpredictable Monster in my house.
The Endless silence, and rage, and rage and silence, all for punishment of whatever you did or did not do. Out of the blue, they open their mouth to ask you to go out for an ice cream cone, or dinner and you jump up and accommodate them like an outdoor dog being tossed a biscuit.
Merry Christmas anyone and everyone out there