Why do you HATE me!!!
How many times have you heard that from your narcissist abuser? I’ve heard it plenty of times. They poke you, prod you, lie to you and about you, slander you to everyone they know. They are spewing out venom about you constantly then they come to you and exclaim why do you HATE me?
What I’d love to say is first of all, I’ve never said that I hate you but I think you’ve sure given me enough reason to. Then more to the point of why do YOU hate ME? The expression “poke the bear” comes to mind. They poke you prod you hoping for a response. They want to make you go off on them. It’s supply to them. They love doing this in public, at events wherever they have an audience. While the other abuse they’ve done to you was in private. It’s like in grade school the girl that whispers about you to others then smiles at you and expects you to be nice to her and will make a scene and turn it around to make you look like the jerk. It’s exactly like that.
Not all narcissist physically abuse you. They love to play head games alienate you from everyone you know so you can be their personal play thing. They will literally turn your friends and family against you. Even though the so called friend knew you longer the narcissist has a way of persuading them otherwise. They want you to feel alone, you will either go back to them to become abused or destroy yourself out of loneliness and despair. There is a third choice they don’t want you to know about. While you are in the loneliness stage, get to know who you are. Be comfortable in who you are where you don’t need others around to entertain or keep you company. Be comfortable in the truth that they are harmful to you and if that means you never have friends again so be it. You can survive without friends or companions. What do you do that makes you special to God? Do you sing, do you play an instrument, draw, paint, write, create in some way, possibly caring for animals in some capacity? Spend time doing that thing that makes you different from other people. Maybe compassion is your specialty do something with that let your heart lead you. Never let others lead you, be independent and strong. Your inner strength will serve you well. It will help you get through the tough times. Look at yourself now yes you’ve been beat down abused, slandered and almost destroyed. Almost is the key here, they did not get the job done. Stand up and build your strength. Think of it as being beat up at recess by a bully. Yes you may LOOK like you’ve lost, a laughing stalk weak but remember they didn’t defeat you. What does the little boy or girl do when he is beaten up and the wounds heal? He starts learning how to fight and stays away at all costs from this bully. That’s all these narcissist are anyway is bullies they want control over you. You learn to protect yourself. Now I’m not talking about the little boy or girl that goes home and comes back to school with a gun and shoots everyone they see because they were hurt. This is what the narcissist wants you to do, they want to make you lose it. They want to push you into that dark place where you want to kill others and yourself. They want you to “see red”. You are letting them control you and by doing this you have now lost to the narcissist.
You have just handed control of your life to the narcissist. In the end YOU are going to be accountable for what you do in your life. Let’s just speak as the law goes. You commit a crime the narcissist emotionally drives you to do it, but YOU are the one committing the crime so You will be the one who gets punished for it. Maybe if you’re lucky they will punish the one who pushed you to do the crime but their sentence will be light, you are the one who actually did it. Everyone is responsible for their own well being as adults. It’s time to take charge of your lives brush yourself off stand up, YOU matter!! I’ll say it again YOU MATTER, your life matters. It matters to God and it should matter to you. Learn to love yourself or at least look at yourself in the mirror and be able to live with the person on the inside. Really the inside is the most important part of you. All of us look at the appearance that’s all superficial. God sees what’s inside and a true friend will see the inside. The thing is we have abused the word “friend” and “love”. We have confused acquaintances and co-workers for friends. And something you really like as love. Narcissists use the word friend and love too. These words are tools to the narcissist. They are handcuffs, ropes or chains. They use your affection to their benefit. They will abuse you verbally, emotionally, physically and spiritually and then tell you they “LOVE” you. It’s because I LOVE YOU. They may use the phrase “if you love me, you’ll… “ Love and friend have become words of manipulation. Beware of those using those words, beware of those wanting to get too close to you too fast. Narcissists aren’t really human in the normal sense, normal things like affection and friendship aren’t things that flow naturally they are only manipulation tools and they may want to escalate a friendship or romance to “cut to the chase”.
In closing stay strong in who you are, Love yourself as a child of God see yourself as He sees you and not how the narcissist sees you. You really do matter you’re really not just an object to entertain the narcissists of this world. Beware there are many narcissist and they spot you before you can spot them at least the more dangerous ones do. Guard your heart don’t jump into friendships and relationships too fast. If they are worthy of your affection they will be patient with you. God Bless all of you!
I heard it too.
ReplyDeleteOne I asked her in an email, "Why do you hate me and hold me in contempt"? and she wrote back
"Why do you hold me in contempt?
I said it once to the Mini-Me on an email, and she wrote back,
"Don't you do this "you hate me crap".
They treat us like crap and like a worm and except us to love them. How is that supposed to work? We could never be ourselves around them.
If mine asked me "Why do you hate me?" The natural response would be because "you are dead inside and have no conscience and you were a bane upon my existence and today I live with the health outcomes of years and years of severe abuse almost destroying me mind and body totally" but she would not care. It would be like talking to wall.
I don't even want to waste the hate, in my mind I have given her over to whatever God will do with her. It doesn't look good. Sitting around focusing on hating someone doesn't do me any good. Rather then hate being the emotion, "giving up" is the main one. It is of a closed door. I know when I saw her at my door when she popped up that one day, I didn't even think "hate thoughts" or it's time to scream or cuss her out. I just thought, the "wolf" is at the door and I need to get away. That's it and simple.
Yes they sure give us enough reason to hate them.
And yes they love to see our pain and suffering. Scream and rail at one, and they will laugh in the back room, they will get actually "high" off of it. I know my mother did. I had this rule when LC was instituted 15 years ago, "show no emotions" no tears, no anger. It cost my soul too much which is why I am NC now.
Nothing touches the sociopath I am dealing with and the day I learned that was the day I got smart and got out. I even cussed her out in my 20s, it did absolutely nothing. Tears, crying, depression, etc, one is throwing rocks at a wall and wasting their time. Nobody's home.
I know the extended family thinks I suck, because I spent years depressed and crying or angry from all the abuse. She came off smelling like rose, smiling and handing out presents in front of them.
In my case mine physically abused me to go with the mental stuff, but I would say the emotional abuse and head games were the worse.
They do want us alone and take everyone away. I knew by my teens if my NM knew someone where it was mutual, the relationship was going to be destroyed.
You are right this is a test for the ACON to get used to being alone and being alone with themselves. I have said to my husband, I would rather be alone then deal with a friend I have to jump hoops for or who will betray me.
I agree about the God-given talents. My love of art kept me from cracking up years ago. Today I took pictures of butterflies again. It puts me in the flow of things, I enjoy it. I am relaxed.
Find joy in life. Even if you are dirt poor, there is some to be found.
Two years and two months into my NC, I wake up with a smile on my face and actually think "No longer do I have to prove myself to anyone" [my husband loves me in the way where that crap is gone out of my life.]
Real friendship and love is being around people who accept us for ourselves.
I agree they are bullies. We save ourselves by getting out and finding God, ourselves and joy in life. Narcissists and sociopaths win when people give in to the darkness. Pain pushes people into horrible dark places.
We need to seek solace in God and stand strong in ourselves and seek people who truly love us. We don't have to prove ourselves to the narcissists. They do not care. They are dead inside and don't love anyone.
I'm so blessed to read that you have over come the abuse you received in your life. I too have a N-mother and never knew what the problem was with her even when I was a young child. I could sense that there was something wrong because I never felt bonded with her.
DeleteI thank my earthly father for being the one who sheltered me and I thank my Heavenly Father for always being with me as well.
May God bless the rest of your life.
i have only been exposed to narc-lites, but that's enough to send up red flags. Today at church, the pastor warned of the hazards of being alone. Well, ya know what? i'll take my chances. Seriously doubt that he has ever been up against one of these wolves - but then again, i believe men are generally tougher than women - and because men are not as easily deceived as are women, men are better equipped to shake off narc-lites.
ReplyDeleteI think sometimes men RUN from the reality and that's why they don't wish to know what's going on with an abused family member.
DeleteOne of my brother's said that he cares but he had a lot going on in his life. Now I realize that is true b/c a friend of his is dieing but what he doesn't realize is that for years I was dieing inside.
My second brother is a sweetheart but his response is usually "I don't know what to say."
The third brother IS A NARC! I have nothing to do with him and that doesn't mean I don't love him with the Love of God but I sure don't like him.
Yup, two of them in my immediate family and it was like living hell on earth!
I don't always feel so strong though. When I am vulnerable it feels as though I'm falling apart. I like being alone most of the time too. Its serene and peaceful. Wanting to lash out at narcs I realize that I only feel ashamed that they "got me". But I realize now that was never the case.
ReplyDeleteWe live in a world that is full of narcs now. I avoid them when possible, but when I am pursuing my passion (hobby), there are narcs around, I have found myself very able to avoid them. Or I just keep it simple if I can't avoid them.
And I do just take it one day at a time, I'm getting better at this. Its hard. I was never given the strength in life, just had to be engulfing sociopath mother little baby. I don't even feel like I'm all grown up, I feel like this little kid with little kid feelings. Its at that precise time that God is right there, I can't explain it. He is fully present when I am at my worst.
My husband and I have only been together for 4 years. We are learning to get used to eachother still, as I am a special case. I just wish he would understand that something has been revealed to me regarding narcissism. He doesn't understand it, and when I get targeted he doesn't understand why and it looks like I just can't get along with others. I am praying my way through this, its tough though.
My only hope at this time is that I will be given the strength to get through the hard times, as an ACON has very special hard times.
Joan, I've gone through a large part of my life with a whole "skill set" missing. The most damaging gap was the inability to assert myself, so I was a people-pleaser who became everybody's doormat. Made me a great employee and a "useful" friend but left me resentful and exhausted.
DeleteEven those close to us have a hard time when we begin to grow a pair and start setting boundaries. Compared to our old selves, at first, our new selves seem almost mean. Not so! We're just practicing self-care like the "normies" do.
I'm new here so could someone please tell me what ACON means? Thx
DeleteEven when I was a child I LEARNED to enjoy my OWN COMPANY and maybe that's because I was the first born. My N-mother NEVER even read to me b/c she said she HATED to read.
So I believe that there is a difference between being ALONE and being LONELY. I will admit there has been times that I have felt lonely but that's when God shows up. :) Actually He's always there and I talk to Him all the time. I do have some really great friendships as well. I can count them on one hand but a few is better than none.
My NF once screamed the title of this blog over and over about an inch from my face with both fists clenched. I didn't say word but just pushed past him to get out of the door he was blocking.
ReplyDeleteAt the time, I didn't hate him. A better question might have been, "Why DON'T you hate me?"
So true!
ReplyDeleteI want to share my most recent situation if I may.
ReplyDeleteSeven years ago my NM who lives in NC got her divorce and was awarded the house. She asked me if I would come down and live with her. All I had to do is pay half of the utility bills b/c she WASN'T CHARGING ME RENT and take her to her appointments.
Even that I knew that I never got along with her I was HOPING this would be different because at that time I didn't know about personality disorders. I lived in another state so I had to do much preparing for the move. (YES that was a very bad choice that I made)
These 7 yrs have been hell and I kept a diary and it is when I moved down with her I started researching behaviors. This is when I came to realize that her as well as one of my brothers were NARCS!
This is my situation at present. This month (Oct) my girlfriend and I came back to HER HOUSE (as she reminds me often) and I entered through the garage as usual. To make a long story short she called 911 and was CRYING (drama, always drama) and said that someone was BREAKING in to her HOUSE!
The sheriff report was made and four says later she left a not on my mail that I had to be out by Thanksgiving weekend! Since the day of the call she has been HIDING in her room, bedroom door ALWAYS CLOSED and doesn't come out if I'M IN THE KITCHEN OR LAUNDRY ROOM etc.
After the event she called a friend (I listened in) and she BLAMED the entire event on me. (no surprise). She told her friend that 2 cops came (LIE one sheriff came) and that I WAS STUPID for TELLING my friend to KNOCK on the door b/c it SCARED HER.
The friend she's talking about she has know for 30 yrs but these are the things she told HER FRIEND while on the phone.
I now am looking in to the laws of my state and have found out that she has to go through the court to evict me.
People blame what she does on her age (89) but I find it suspicious that she's great as playing the victim and her brain works just fine when thinking of ways of revenge.
I'm (assuming at this point but I have a funny suspicion that my NB had something to do with this even though he lives on the west coast b/c I've heard him(with my own ears) try and convince her that she should throw me out in the streets so I can see what it feels like to be homeless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Guess I've said enough for now and thx for reading.
HER HOUSE meaning my NM's house
DeleteI just found your channel and it is saving my sanity. My husband is a MN and after 2 yrs Jesus rescued me. He is a leader in celebrate recovery and no one in my church will listen to me. My King Himself rescued me. Thank you for the truth. I am now in a domestic violence shelter, left everyone and everything behind at 59. Is there any way to correspond with you? JESUS has made it very clear this is no longer my fight and I have gone no contact with family and friends and I am devasted. I have no idea where to go or what to do except Praise Him and thank Him. I kept my heart and kindness and haven't lost my thirst for righteousness because He made certain of it.....I understand God's lovingkindness and rest in it every moment.
ReplyDelete