Shaming by Comparison

Growing up in a home with parents that are covert narcissist the abuse takes many forms.  Shaming is a common form of narcissistic abuse whether the narcissist is overt or covert.  Shaming by comparison is just as cruel. 

Here's a couple of examples of what I'm talking about. 

Your mother uses an aunt let's call her "Mary" she used her to shame you by comparing you to her. Mary is a messy housekeeper your mother uses her constantly as an example to you. She constantly threatened you to drop you off at her home to live. She would also constantly say I'd hate to visit your house it would be like Mary's. Always comparing you to Mary. Now that you're an adult you still hear her voice in your head. When you have plans to have company come over you immediately go into panic mode and clean like a mad woman trying to make everything look spotless so that they won't think you are like Mary.  Your mother dies and you still hear those words subconsciously.  You get triggered by visitors to the point you don't want to invite anyone to your home. 

Your father has two sisters who he likes comparing you the scapegoat the golden child daughter to.  He had a bad sister who was the scapegoat which he said she lies constantly and a good sister who was the golden child. The golden child sister happened to die young in a tragic auto accident  so now she's memorialized.  You have an argument with your golden child sister while doing dishes. She picks up a knife holding it firmly and pointing it at you saying "I'll cut you!"  This isn't the first time she did this but since mom did nothing about it and brags on what a spitfire she is you don't bother telling on her. You're both still kids but you turn to her saying something you've heard on tv I'm sure. I'll forgive you but never forget. In walks your dad he over hears at least your end of the conversation. He asks what's going on you tell him. Of course he does nothing to the golden child sister and sees nothing wrong. He begins nearly an hour long lecture to you while the golden child watches. He tells how his bad sister was always jealous of the good sister more pretty nicer outgoing  etc.  He then says his bad sister has to live with the guilt of never being able to say she's sorry to the good sister for being jealous.  He then turns it in you and says you'd feel real bad if something happened to your GC sister and you weren't able to apologize. 

This is shaming 

I found this article on Toxic Shame from Darlene Lancer JD,MFT 

http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-toxic-shame/

Last paragraph sums it all up:

"If not healed, toxic shame can lead to aggression, depression, eating disorders, PTSD, and addiction. It generates low self-esteem, anxiety, irrational guilt, perfectionism, and codependency, and it limits our ability to enjoy satisfying relationships and professional success."

The Birthright

I love the story of Jacob and Esau if you listen to most pastors they get it wrong. I recommend everyone go back and re read it for themselves.  Genesis 25. Most pastors will make it sound like Jacob was devious, dishonest a thief. The two brothers were twins.  The tradition was the older brother would receive the birthright. The birthright consisted of a blessing a type of anointing of a leadership role in the family along with possibly double the inheritance at least that's what I got.  Esau willfully sold his title to this birthright.  
If you back up to where Rachel, their mother asked God why her baby seemed to be wrestling within her.  God told her why, he told her they were twins.  God knew the nature of Jacob and Esau while in the womb.  This one is a bit perplexing if you think about it. Yes I know he's God he knows everything but remember he also gave us a free will to make choices he didn't decide that one boy would be good and the other would be bad.  He didn't create a yin and yang within Rachel. And no I don't believe that philosophy that good needs bad as bad needs good to exist. If that were true that's saying and I've heard others say God needs satan they need each other they work together.  That is so warped.  Remember it's written in Revelations that God will punish satan later.  That's the only reason satan is allowed to remain in existence  He is  all that is good so he cannot break his word and say ok that's the last straw you've gone too far this time. He will wait and take care of it later. 
God knew the nature of Esau he knew he "Esau despised his birthright."  Held it in low regard, it didn't matter too much to him.  How could anyone despise a blessing from God and look at it as if it were nothing??  God was merely giving the blessing to the son who appreciated it one who would consider it an honor. No matter how little Jacob paid for it he still had Esau's promise to give it to him for soup. If you sell someone a car for $1 and sign over the title it's still a binding contract or sale. Why is this any different?  Since when is it ok to Welch on an agreement?  Why do pastors accuse Jacob of being dishonest. I didn't read that in Genesis that's their own opinion. Was Isaac aware of the sale of the birthright?  Rachel knew... 
Well we all know the rest of the story Jacob did have to trick Isaac into giving the blessing to him. Then when Esau found out and was furious wanted to kill Jacob.  Jacob fled and went no contact he walked away from the inheritance. All he left with was the clothes on his back and the blessing he just got. He stayed away even after both parents had passed.  God blessed Jacob even though he didn't get a dime of his inheritance.  I think one reason greedy pastors (pro$perity doctrine) don't get this story right is because; they're all about money.  They think Jacob's motive was the inheritance when actually it was the BLESSING!!    Esau didn't think too much of the blessing he despised it. He got what he wanted was the money. Years later when Jacob went to see Esau he was for happy he got what he wanted and the reason he was going to kill Jacob was the money not the blessing. Today's prosperity pastors aren't looking for God's blessings they are after the inheritance or money.  To them it's who has the bigger mansions who has the bigger jet.  They have little regard for the blessing like Esau. 

Staying with Your Abuser is a Choice

Staying with an abusive person is a choice.  Leaving is another choice, a better choice. It's a more healthy choice.  I agree it won't be easy. 

We all have regrets that we didn't leave sooner, that we thought we could go back and have a normal relationship with narcissistic family members and the list goes on.. 

Don't beat yourself up for it we can't go back and change the past. Stop that kind of thinking just stop it right now!

Now we got to decide how we are we going to live out the rest of your life. Are you willing to put up with that abuser in hopes that your abusers might leave you an inheritance?  You may think it's just easier to stay. Most generally the narcissistic abuser will hold their inheritance over their victims head. Dangling it like the carrot. This money gives them a stronghold over your life if you allow it. Most of the time the narcissist will give ALL their money to the golden child or to a charity so you will not get a dime. So all the time you lost being captive to your abusive narcissist was time you could have been healing and living life in freedom. 

I use Joan Crawford as an example she disinherited her children. She was evil to the bitter end they never do have that (forgive my expression)  "come to Jesus moment". 

They aren't going to have last minute regrets other than they wished they could have abused you more. 

Narcissists Cause Us to Devalue Ourselves

Thank all of you for your comments.   I'm sorry that all of you had to go through all of this abuse my heart goes out to each of you.  Huge Hugs!!  God bless all of you.  Validation helps us cope with this kind of abuse.  Some of the abuse is physical and that's horrific and don't let anyone tell you any different.  Fortunately those wounds eventually heal but some scars stay with us possibly all our lives. I'm talking about the emotional scars and what it does to our perspective.  The perspective of our own lives how it makes us devalue ourselves because they have devalued us.  They made us feel like yesterday's garbage.  We were taught that our feelings, our needs and essentially WE don't matter.  Any thing we do out of our own kindness to them is spewed back in our faces.  I remember an instance as a child I was always trying to get acceptance from my dad.  I idolized him, yes I know that was sick but I was gaslit into thinking that the beatings I got were all justified and that I deserved them.  Not to mention that he was a pastor so I looked at him as a "man of God".  Everything he said was gospel to me.  I know stockholm big time!!  Here's an example of our kindness being thrown in our faces, literally.  I was approximately 10 years old at this time, my dad was mowing the yard.  He looked hot I went in and made some ice tea for him and brought it out to him in a tall glass.  He shut off the mower, he started to take a drink and then paused and asked if I had washed my hands before making it because I had been playing with our cats.  I said no.  He poured the entire glass of ice tea down the front of me and then ordered me to go back in and make him a new glass but this time WASH YOUR HANDS!!!  What started out to be something nice turned out to be something totally different.  He couldn't have asked nicely or just told me in a calm voice no he had to pour it on me and then yell at me.  Great man of God!!!  You find yourself thinking I can't do anything right, I'm just a failure.  No wonder we have self esteem issues after they get through with us then our minds now warped beat ourselves up as a result of all the mean things they've said play over and over in our heads.

They lay most of their groundwork while we are children.  It's easy to bully children especially if they are your own.  There's no one that we can go to for help, who's going to believe a child?  The risk you take of telling anyone what if they tell your abuser what you said?  It's much easier to remain silent they hell you'd deal with if you told anyone.  I would have never considered it anyway because I thought it was justified, I thought I was a terrible person.  I believed I deserved it.  This is life living with a covert narcissist.  On the outside everyone thought he was the salt of the earth type guy.  Everyone loved my dad, few loved my mom but mostly it was dad that they mentioned.  They hide behind religion and appear so "godly" on the outside.  I spent years believing the lie.  I'm so thankful for God and my husband who helped me see through the facade, it was all a sham. 

Why do you HATE me!!!

Why do you HATE me!!!
How many times have you heard that from your narcissist abuser?  I’ve heard it plenty of times.  They poke you, prod you, lie to you and about you, slander you to everyone they know.  They are spewing out venom about you constantly then they come to you and exclaim why do you HATE me? 

What I’d love to say is first of all, I’ve never said that I hate you but I think you’ve sure given me enough reason to.  Then more to the point of why do YOU hate ME?  The expression “poke the bear” comes to mind.  They poke you prod you hoping for a response.  They want to make you go off on them.  It’s supply to them.  They love doing this in public, at events wherever they have an audience.  While the other abuse they’ve done to you was in private.  It’s like in grade school the girl that whispers about you to others then smiles at you and expects you to be nice to her and will make a scene and turn it around to make you look like the jerk.  It’s exactly like that.

Not all narcissist physically abuse you.  They love to play head games alienate you from everyone you know so you can be their personal play thing.  They will literally turn your friends and family against you.  Even though the so called friend knew you longer the narcissist has a way of persuading them otherwise.  They want you to feel alone, you will either go back to them to become abused or destroy yourself out of loneliness and despair.  There is a third choice they don’t want you to know about.  While you are in the loneliness stage, get to know who you are.  Be comfortable in who you are where you don’t need others around to entertain or keep you company.  Be comfortable in the truth  that they are harmful to you and if that means you never have friends again so be it.  You can survive without friends or companions. What do you do that makes you special to God?  Do you sing, do you play an instrument, draw, paint, write, create in some way, possibly caring for animals in some capacity?  Spend time doing that thing that makes you different from other people.  Maybe compassion is your specialty do something with that let your heart lead you.  Never let others lead you, be independent and strong.  Your inner strength will serve you well.  It will help you get through the tough times.  Look at yourself now yes you’ve been beat down abused, slandered and almost destroyed.  Almost is the key here, they did not get the job done.  Stand up and build your strength.  Think of it as being beat up at recess by a bully.  Yes you may LOOK like you’ve lost, a laughing stalk weak but remember they didn’t defeat you.  What does the little boy or girl do when he is beaten up and the wounds heal?  He starts learning how to fight and stays away at all costs from this bully.  That’s all these narcissist are anyway is bullies they want control over you.  You learn to protect yourself.  Now I’m not talking about the little boy or girl that goes home and comes back to school with a gun and shoots everyone they see because they were hurt.  This is what the narcissist wants you to do, they want to make you lose it.  They want to push you into that dark place where you want to kill others and yourself.  They want you to “see red”.  You are letting them control you and by doing this you have now lost to the narcissist.

You have just handed control of your life to the narcissist.  In the end YOU are going to be accountable for what you do in your life.  Let’s just speak as the law goes.  You commit a crime the narcissist emotionally drives you to do it, but YOU are the one committing the crime so You will be the one who gets punished for it.  Maybe if you’re lucky they will punish the one who pushed you to do the crime but their sentence will be light, you are the one who actually did it.  Everyone is responsible for their own well being as adults.  It’s time to take charge of your lives brush yourself off stand up, YOU matter!! I’ll say it again YOU MATTER, your life matters.  It matters to God and it should matter to you.  Learn to love yourself or at least look at yourself in the mirror and be able to live with the person on the inside.  Really the inside is the most important part of you.  All of us look at the appearance that’s all superficial.  God sees what’s inside and a true friend will see the inside.  The thing is we have abused the word “friend” and “love”.  We have confused acquaintances and co-workers for friends.   And something you really like as love.  Narcissists use the word friend and love too.  These words are tools to the narcissist.  They are handcuffs, ropes or chains.  They use your affection to their benefit.  They will abuse you verbally, emotionally, physically and spiritually and then tell you they “LOVE” you.  It’s because I LOVE YOU.  They may use the phrase “if you love me, you’ll… “  Love and friend have become words of manipulation.  Beware of those using those words, beware of those wanting to get too close to you too fast.  Narcissists aren’t really human in the normal sense, normal things like affection and friendship aren’t things that flow naturally they are only manipulation tools and they may want to escalate a friendship or romance to “cut to the chase”. 

In closing stay strong in who you are, Love yourself as a child of God see yourself as He sees you and not how the narcissist sees you.  You really do matter you’re really not just an object to entertain the narcissists of this world.  Beware there are many narcissist and they spot you before you can spot them at least the more dangerous ones do.  Guard your heart don’t jump into friendships and relationships too fast.  If they are worthy of your affection they will be patient with you.  God Bless all of you!

Pastor Speaks about Not Judging a Pedophile

We live in interesting times my friends.  Please study and pray for yourselves.  Wipe the dust off and crack open those bibles you may have laying around.
 Three excellent online resources are the Bible Hub, Bible Gateway and the Blue Letter Bible.  Google is an excellent search tool if you cant remember a verse but you know what its about.  The main thing is to study for yourselves this is the only way you will get the truth.  So many pastors are leading their congregations astray.  The seem to be using cult tactics to gain control extort money from them while they live the high life their congregation like zombies keep bringing in the money.

This message isn't about money this time though it's much more disturbing to me and those of us who have been abused at the hands of a narcissist.  My husband and I were watching a pastor who also has a live stream and records his messages online and hangs with the big TV prosperity gang.  This pastor used to have great messages now they're flat and sound like he's speaking to a children's Sunday school class.  The problem is if he were speaking to children I hope he would find himself behind bars.

The pastor began his message about judging and within the first few minutes of the sermon he said "some of you would be surprised to find that you may live next door to a Pedophile in heaven.  Yes that's right, this is what he said.  He then went on leveling and comparing Pedophilia to any other sexual sin like infidelity or just sleeping around.  Obviously I feel both infidelity and sleeping around is wrong but it's not the same as pedophilia.  Pedophilia is a horrible thing it inflicts such pain upon children, not only the physical but the emotional scars and spiritual.  A pedophile has the intent to injure a child when he rapes the child this is not the same as in two adults having consensual sex.  Pedophilia is an individual who loves lording their control over an innocent victim and forcing themselves upon a child who isn't physically or emotionally capable of dealing with this or even fighting back.

No mr pastor I have NEVER found it in the word of God that it's ok to abuse or rape children or that it is no worse than other sins.  Where did this kind of thinking come from?

Seeking Justice
The pastor used this verse
Romans 13:10 (NIV)  
Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.

He took the whole verse out of context back up one verse and you see what the Apostle Paul is trying to say. 

 Romans 13:9-10
 9For this, "YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY, YOU SHALL NOT MURDER, YOU SHALL NOT STEAL, YOU SHALL NOT COVET," and if there is any other commandment, it is summed up in this saying, "YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF." 10Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.
 
This verse was taken out of context this verse is not telling you how to react to those who have hurt or wronged us, the verse is telling us how to treat others.
He said and I quote: "If you want someone to pay for what they did (to you), You are judging and not forgiving, showing no mercy.  you want ill and harm to come to them."  So he's saying you are wrong for wanting justice or seeking justice for the abuse someone has caused.  Do you see the sick dynamic here?  It just makes me want to throw up or toss furniture.

Acceptance of Sin
He went on to talk about there is no category for sin.  One sin is no greater than the other in the eyes of God.  If they repent...  he reminded them we are ALL sinners...  So I took this to mean we are supposed to accept sin you see, hear, or know about, you are to turn a blind eye to it because after all we are all sinners.  
He mentioned you've got to "acknowledge the nature of flesh".   Pastor compared phedophilia to any sexual sin as no difference between the two.  It's one thing to commit an act of sin in error of judgment a moment of lust, then to purposefully select a child rape the child for their own sick pleasures and inflict pain physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Intent has a lot to do with sin.  I mean no disrespect for this next comment, but even an atheist knows it's wrong to rape a child.  It's not a religious issue it's a moral issue.  I'm not going to add categories to it, any sex with a child is rape in my eyes and in the eyes of God.
Pastor what about  Matthew 18:6?  This isn't an encoded message it's pretty clear.  Jesus didn't make up excuses for these reptiles who prey upon children, no he said it would be better if they were dead.

 Matthew 18:6
"If anyone causes one of these little ones--those who believe in me--to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.

I'm sorry pastor do you know more than Jesus?  Where did you find this type of thinking?  It's not in the bible I can guarantee it.

More Leveling
The pastor went on to say, speaking of phedophiles; "you might say, I would never... Everyone is capable, this just didn't happen to you".  I'm sorry again pastor but MOST of us WOULD NEVER!  And "just didn't happen to you"... "happen"?  You don't just happen to rape anyone but ESPECIALLY not a CHILD!  So the pedophile one day is walking along and accidentally rapes a child?  OOPS I raped a kid oh well..?   No it's sick perversion God is sickened by perversion!    Lastly the pastor said that murders, rapists and pedophiles will be in heaven, then he added if they repent...   Have you ever heard of a rapist or especially a pedophile repent because I have not.

Evidently the pastor never read this verse:
Isaiah 5:20
Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.


what about:
Proverbs 17:15
Acquitting the guilty and condemning the innocent-- the LORD detests them both.

Habakkuk 1:4
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails. The wicked hem in the righteous, so that justice is perverted.

Malachi 2:17
You have wearied the LORD with your words. "How have we wearied him?" you ask. By saying, "All who do evil are good in the eyes of the LORD, and he is pleased with them" or "Where is the God of justice?"

1 Timothy 4:1
The Spirit clearly says that in later times some will abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits and things taught by demons.
 
2 Timothy 4:3
For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.
 
2 Peter 2:1
But there were also false prophets among the people, just as there will be false teachers among you. They will secretly introduce destructive heresies, even denying the sovereign Lord who bought them--bringing swift destruction on themselves.
 
 I believe that God's word speaks for itself.

Pastors are they Shepherds or Wolves Disguised as Shepherds?

Pastors immobilizing their people by teaching them dependence, learned helplessness, they say things that sounds right to the ear but wrong to your conscience.

beware of false teachers
 1 Timothy 4:1-2
4 Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, that in the latter times some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils; 2 Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron;
but please read the entire chapter 

Matthew 7:15-16
Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
16"You will know them by their fruits. Grapes are not gathered from thorn bushes nor figs from thistles, are they?…

Jeremiah 23:16
This is what the LORD Almighty says: "Do not listen to what the prophets are prophesying to you; they fill you with false hopes. They speak visions from their own minds, not from the mouth of the LORD.

Here's a link to more verses if you are interested.
http://biblehub.com/matthew/7-15.htm

they use phrases like “God is in control”, “don’t judge”, “you must forgive”  They have become the thought police even guilting you for having thoughts of avoiding a person who you sense may inflict harm or put you in danger.  Discerning is not judging.  That discerning of danger is your inner man telling you to get the hell away from that person.

“God is in control”God is only in control if you allow him to be. God is not a dictator and everyone has a free will to do right or wrong.
Two examples Adam and Eve they chose to disobey God they knew the consequences of their actions if they disobeyed. If God controlled everything he would have stopped them or even removed temptation all together the serpent and the tree.  Adam and Eve were adults not babies.  As parents of babies we remove all obstacles to protect them.  But Adam and Eve were adults God treated them as such and expected them to act accordingly.  Basically.. they had a choice.

Why would preachers teach us that we have no power over our own lives?    I suppose to make us easier to control?
A preacher that teaches this doctrine has another agenda in mind and not the heart of God.  How does this apply to narcissism? You have many choices.  You have choices to do good in this world according to your conscience or bad. You can choose to stay with your narcissistic abuser and live with it or you can leave, go no contact and heal.  You don't have to take its and you don't deserve it.  It's not in God's great scheme of things for you to be abused, beaten, manipulated, tortured, yelled at. There is no reward in the great beyond for putting up with this abuse.  It’s not your lot in life be abused and you should just get over it that’s how it is, forgive them besides you are a sinner too.  NO that’s a lie they want you to believe.  Intentionally inflicting pain no matter what kind of pain upon another person is wrong and a sin. Did God plan for Cain to murder Abel? No God warned Cain he was starting in the wrong direction tried to turn him around.  I’m not going to read it to you but you can find it in Genesis 4.

Another thing preachers say to control us is "don't judge."  Mr Smakintosh did a video on this. Preachers tell you don't judge others but most of all don't judge them. What they are saying is close your eyes to my faults I know what's best for you. Don’t try to discern if I am sinning.  This us gaslighting. Never mind what I do, you need to do what I tell you. I was told as a child “do as I say not as I do”…  That’s also hypocrisy!!  The rules are for you not me.

The next thing is they have their fingers in your pocket or wallet. They need things... Nice things…  So they guilt you into tithing or donating your money and time to their projects, they have so many projects.
They can't drive around in a shabby car Mrs pastor needs a brand new Mercedes.  They can't take public transportation going out of town, like you do, they need a jet and a big one.  They can't stay in an apparent or modest home it needs to be a mansion or horse ranch maybe both. What you give is never enough. That Mercedes needs gas the jet needs fuel that mansion needs landscaping. You can't have your preacher mowing his own estate that you helped pay for.

But YOU don't judge ME.
You are condemned for individual thinking. Isn't that like abuse from your narcissist?  The abuser will attack you if you question any of their actions. Entitlement.... Another trait of narcissism.  they feel entitled to abuse and lord themselves over you demanding money and things.
The apostle Paul made tents in with the community.  found in Acts 18:1-3
What about visiting the sick and those in the hospital. No they don't have time for that. Remember the time when pastors actually did that? About a week ago I heard a pastor tell his congregation that THEY would be doing the visitations.  WHAT???
Do they care about the community?  When the community loses one of their own children because some sicko murdered a child in a motel across the street from the church does the pastor take up an offering for her family or in the least even offer up prayers to God to comfort the parents and family of the child?  I think you know the answer. There’s fundraising to do!!  I think he was even out of town at the time at another church.  How convenient.  So while the community that pays for his many trappings he can’t even console the parents who lost their little girl in a horrific and tragic method.

No but the pastor will give thousands into another pastors ministry. One who is well off already.  No just like the narcissist they only do things for appearances only. They don't help the poor, they help the rich just like the regular narcissist do. They will give thousands maybe millions to fundraisers to get their accolades among their peers but not a dime to someone who really needs it.
These preachers are no better than lying politicians. Actually they are worse because they do it all in the name of God. Pastors at least most there may be a few that are really doing ‘’God’s work” but not many.  In fact a lot of them are tangled up into the one world religion.  That’s all I will say about that.  You can look it up.

Another controlling phrase preachers use is "You need to forgive... " this phrase puts all the blame on you. No matter what they did " you need to forgive". A man beats his wife and children but she is the one who needs to forgive.  This ends up scapegoating you putting the blame on YOU because YOU won’t forgive.  My family of narcs do that.  I’ve been told that I need to “soften my heart”….


My friends churches like this are the perfect breeding ground for narcissistic abuse. If your church is guilting you into anything run, run fast and run far...  The pastors of these churches will work to keep you and your abusers together. They will offer counseling to you both but YOU will be the one who needs to change and conform not your abuser.

If this is your church, stop going!!  I’m not telling you to turn your back on God.  Church isn’t the only place to worship God.  Open your own bible, read the word for yourself.  God can teach you deeper messages that what you get from the pulpit.  If this is not your church consider yourself fortunate but keep an open eye on the church and your pastor.  You might be led down the wrong path and in the end You are responsible for your own life.  Be careful on who you choose to follow and where they are leading.    *